I’m sitting here, in Hawaii. Dreamy right? It stirs up all kinds of romantic notions, yes? However, romance is the last thing on my brain. I’m actually sitting here thinking about how on earth I got here.
Oh, I know that I arrived here on a plane with an airline ticket that I myself purchased. That isn’t what I am referring to. I am talking about how on earth did I end up a middle-aged woman, sitting (possibly wallowing), in the thick of immense grief.
GRIEF
GRIEF because 20 months ago my husband was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer.
GRIEF because 12 months ago we found out it was tougher to fight than we thought.
GRIEF because the next year would be filled to the brim with horrendous battle after exhaustingly unsuccessful battle.
-GRIEF because six months ago he was SET FREE from the battle.
But here is the unfortunate thing… I wasn’t. My kids weren’t excused either. The memories still swirl in our brains, poke at our hearts and physically shake us at times. We so wanted a different outcome. We wanted a victory story that would have us all on our feet dancing, singing praises of “Only God could do that.” as we grabbed Dave’s hands and raised them high in adoration.
As deep as our longings were, as heartfelt as our prayers could have been, that wouldn’t be the conclusion to Dave’s story.
Our “ABOUT US” has changed and it is not what we would have chosen.
I brought my computer with me on this trip because God has made it evidently clear that he has some work for me to do. (I’ll get to that in a future post.) But this is the deal for now… I needed to update this website, and I needed to start with the about page. AND I hate that I am sitting here having to do this. That battlecry part of the story is over and now…. yeah, now what? What the heck am I about? As I go down the list of what used to be there are a lot of boxes to check of “not anymore’s” - so then what is left? What is going to be? I don’t even know.
I do know one thing: the cancer battle for Dave is over which means the battle of making the memories serve us well is in full force. The battle of choosing to keep going and staying strong. The battle of fulfilling what God has in mind for us to do. YES. Every single day will reveal to us what that looks like. Our job isn’t to think too far out and become overwhelmed, our job is to be present with listening ears and a willing heart… no matter the cost.
God, help us to not waste a morsel of what you intend to use in us and through us. Help us to feel, to process, to pray, to grow closer to you in the thick of it all. Carry us through what we can’t muster the strength to trek on our own.
I am posting below our old “ABOUT” contents because I don’t want to erase the past journey, I want to embrace it, hold it dear and use it to launch forward.
(About page 2018/19”
“THE JOURNEY SO FAR
I was talking with my husband the other day about this life we have lived together. Battling cancer as a family has a way of walking you through the years and almost demanding you reflect on your story. Are the pages filled with all that matters? What chapters did we miss? Any we would choose to rewrite? Looking back I would say we have lived a fairly BIG life in our recently turned 50 years. I imagine the rising action and climax in our current storyline would be something people would dream about happening at some point in their lifetime.
The pages of this website will be riddled with some of the stories of our glorious adventures with family, lake life, racing boats and cars, camping, taking teams to Tanzania and Kenya, partnering with a school in Kibera Slum, working alongside programs in Tanzania that help widows, orphans and young single mamas, starting a nonprofit, overcoming debilitating pain and more. Those are the peaks. Then there are the valleys of abandonment, abuse, anxiety, cancer, a stillborn baby, the division of a family business. The beauty in all of this is the good comes with a natural sparkle but the hard places… they have the ability to shine when you find the beauty in the pain. It’s always there just waiting to be picked up, dusted off and held high.
My personal story is packed full with this type of rescuing. So, so many stories of being redeemed from the muck and mire covered in the thick weight of my earned distress. When that kind of grace and mercy show up in your life you are pretty eager to sprinkle it around like confetti.
I hope you find the encouragement and help you are looking for here. We will be posting our upcoming workshops, simple DIY projects, devotions, keto recipes, and random musings along the way. “