Do you trust me? The repeated question that changed my grief journey.

The other day I was sitting rather mindlessly allowing my thoughts to move with ease bouncing back and forth through memories and my current day situation. This relaxed state of mind practice seems quite natural to most but non-existent to many who are grieving. To allow the grieving mind to drift is to consider the thought of physically jumping into a boxing ring. You don’t know what thought will take that swing that leads to a knockout. The fact I was free to relax my thinking and coast back to review the lived-out chapters showed I was making progress.

As I sat there seeing the chapters of life without Dave flipping before me God revealed a piece of His beautiful offering that had helped provide me with shelter in the midst of the pelting grief storm. It was a question that was posed to me over, and over, and over, and over, and over, again and again. A question of weighted words that wouldn’t make space for a flippant answer. It was a question pointed like a magnifying scope looking straight to the core of my entire being.

“Do you trust me?” -Jesus

You see, my body and mind took many different forms in my grief: from laid out flat sleeping to a curled-up sobbing fetal position. From arms waving in the air praising, to my head resting on my Bible soaking. From scuffing my feet through the red soil of Africa serving, to lounging at my friend’s cabin receiving. From voraciously studying and creating in order to provide my way, to trying to relax just enough to find calm in my racing heart with solitude and rest.

I was scared in the face of the unknown and I was doing everything I knew I should to find my way and make my path straight. Until I couldn’t, and then I would run like crazy and try to escape the pain. Until I realized the pain follows you because it is part of you, it dwells within. There is no escaping it. So, back to creating. Back to learning. Back to doing. Back to… you name it.

BUT THROUGHOUT.

This is the part that matters most. This is the plumbline of truth that keeps our foundation level when we build upon it. That repeated question asked throughout the mayhem of my stability-building attempts: “Do YOU trust ME?” -Jesus?

The question would often catch me off-guard, stop me in my tracks, and take my heaving breath away from me. My vision would narrow in on Him, eyes locking, nerves settling, worries decreasing, fear subsiding, grounding found. “YES.” “I trust YOU, Jesus.”

“I question this world and the people in it, myself included. But I trust you yesterday, today, and forever.” Honestly. In the wake of the storms, my answer is still YES. More now than ever. and with that trust, the next step comes a little easier. Jesus is indeed trustworthy even in the unknown and in the broken.

I could write five chapters on this but for now, I want to keep it to this next point: When the unknown of your future gets loud or feels shakey, there is a way through it. This pattern of a repeated trust statement changes things. The key is that you have to believe it. You have to envision a very real Jesus holding your hand, scooping you up, leading the way, walking alongside, gazing into your eyes, and seeing the very core of your being. He knows you, He loves you, and every single thing about you matters to Him. He has a plan for you and it is a really good one.

Not despite the broken but because of it.

Do you trust Him?

5 tips for Gripping Hope through the Holidays: dealing with Grief + Emotions

She sat there, or was trying to. Even the task of sitting brought discomfort. It required stillness, and stillness allowed for ALL of the emotions to be felt. If only she could just keep doing, moving, planning….

but she was exhausted. All of her attempts at grief escape had left her depleted. Her mind + body needed rest but the physical and mental exhaust had only dropped the defensive walls down to the surface of the grief flood waters, they were brimming, beginning to splash over a little. How might she avoid the onrushing waves that were certain to crash in soon? Oh, please, not now….

She was tired. Too tired for the heavy weep of sorrow. Oh, so tired… but oh so unsettled. Letting the grief flow freely was still so difficult, so painful.

But so was avoiding it, just a different kind of steady pain that she barely recognized was happening. Recognized or not, it was crippling her. It was taking her out, little by little, day by day. She had to find a way…

And so she did, and she still does. Because grief is certain to come and go.

But now, most of the time, she knows when to welcome it, and how she can do that best.

Let’s see if some of the tips in the slide show above help you. I tried to think of some of the biggest issues I have faced coping with grief during the holidays. It’s challenging, I won’t lie. But, we do have options that can help us manage better, help us find our way through it with a little more ease. It isn’t easy but it feels better after we do it. Honest!

I created a mini-book for you to help to move through the holidays. It has more detailed information and access to some of what I use regularly in my Grief Toolbox. You can click the link HERE for my HOPE for the Grieving Heart Mini-Book. It is only $6.95, up for a very limited time at just a fraction of the cost that my physical book will be. So grab it while you can!

Knowing your worth in an ever-changing world.

I think we are all aware the world evolves. One look at history and it’s proven. Everything changes, some things recycle, some things just plain fade. But there is always a NEW IDEA about what is seen as BEAUTIFUL, what the world sees as ATTRACTIVE. What we should be STRIVING for. So, who is it deciding all of this. Do we know them? Are they absolutely for our best? Do they even KNOW US?

And yet, their opinions weigh so heavily on our minds, subconsciously much of the time. Nevertheless, the unrecognized voice is loud. We compare, we strive, we desire, we pine over, we seek, we buy, we try…

and most of the time we fall short of the goal.

Why is that?

Because most of the time, this is not what we were created for. We are rating ourselves and striving for something outside of what our matchless maker has designed for us. Our creator has SO MUCH to say about us, over us and into us. It’s unending, never stops. His love radiates onto us and fills us up.

His plan for us is SO GOOD! But we may be so busy head down to the grindstone or head up in the clouds, that we miss what he is speaking into us. Of friend, how many times has this been me? Too many to count. You too probably, or you wouldn’t have made it this far on the page. But here is the HOPE, it’s never too late. He ALWAYS has MORE for us. It may be different but it will never be less. He just doesn’t work that way.

So, how do we balance this out better? What keeps us grounded in WHO God says we are and believing it? Because once we do this everything that follows changes. I know you believe that. If we truly know and BELIEVE what He says about us we show up differently, we accomplish different things, we feel differently, we LOVE more + we worry less. The striving ceases and the longing for Him increases. And this all comes about by being in relationship with Jesus…daily. I mean, face to face, I love you + you love me, Jesus time.

So, if we must strive, let’s strive for this one thing: MORE JESUS.

The WORLD’s ideas of perfection will always fall short and feel flat. You were designed for so much more than that. I can’t wait to see what it is. Oh, and I will because when you start stepping towards it you are going to SHINE for all to see! That’s love on display, right there, and NOTHING is more BEAUTIFUL than that.

When grief tries to steal, don't believe it.

F A M I L Y

Hold them tight, cherish the moments, because you just never know.

This photo is missing a key player from it. The one that stood at the helm to navigate our course and he was the one who knew where to drop the anchor that steadied us in a safe harbor.

Honestly, he was my grounding person. I am the dreamer, the planner, the visionary, the creative force, the spontaneous let's go girl. And he was my, (what I often called), dream squasher. Haha. He brought all the practical into any situation that presented itself. "Okay Kim, so "HOW" are we going to do that?" At the time I didn't give the process the respect it deserved. I need that in my life to help me look at both sides of the same coin.

I miss that.

I miss him.

We all do.

There is SO MUCH that has changed + there is SO MUCH that we miss. There is SO MUCH that we have processed + SO MUCH MORE to work through. We have experienced quite the trauma during the process of fighting to lose, and in the defeat of cancer, we have been left with a thick residual of heavy grief.

BUT we have learned SO MUCH.

This is the gold in the story. This is where God redeems the broken. He doesn't rewrite stories, he adds on to them... bringing new strength, growth, or light in response to what happened. We can count on this. He never leaves us where we are at, He always has things to show us and places to take us. We just can't let ourselves lose sight of him in the process. EVEN IF it means just barely cracking one eye open-enough to squint in his direction. Or one cracky whisper of "You're here, right God? I'm not alone, even though every ounce of me feels like it."

"Yes baby girl, I'm right here. I haven't taken my eye off of you for one single second. I love you so much + I know how deeply you are hurting. Someday you'll be able to walk again... for now just find rest in the knowledge I am here + I am fighting for you."

That right there is what has carried me to this point. Knowing my God is here, and true to his word. He will never leave me and never forsake me... and I have just got to believe that because my, what I thought was “FOREVER LOVE” did leave me. Not by his own doing but never the less, he is gone. And that messes with a girl's mind + heart on all sorts of levels.

I have SO MUCH MORE to say on this. But for now I just wanted to stop on in with a quick update and encourage anyone who is suffering immense loss. YOU AREN'T ALONE... EVER. Not even in your darkest nights. YOU are being fought for and guess what... he already won! I pray you can find some peace and some rest in that.

YOU are loved,

What to do when you feel stuck + overwhelmed with your home business.

In the last two years my life has taken a major about-face. March 2018, I would have never imagined my husband would be diagnosed with cancer followed by 14 months of extreme treatments, to end with him heading to his eternal home. Leaving me here to become the provider. All of this left my head reeling and my feet unable to gain traction underneath me. Where to start? I felt SO VERY OVERWHELMED!

I kept trying and just couldn’t get my thoughts and actions to line up in a way that felt right. I was missing some key, foundational, pieces to the process of developing my plan to move forward. I knew I wanted to move forward but the steps were hard to see, and even more difficult to try and execute. Until….

This recent shebang started a couple months back and I was DEEP in the trenches of gloom. I was ready to just give up. Then, one day as I was scrolling through the motions I ran across a free training on facebook. (this course has expired but BOY do I have content to share with you from it) Something pressed on me to click “going”. Possibly one of the most brilliant moves I have ever made! Thank you God for the nudge.

In walks this life-giving, enthusiast that was so straight-forward. I began a process of thinking back to the very core of who I am, what I stand for, what talents God has given me and how I could solve a problem with that resulting in being a blessing to others. BAM! Oh, give me purpose and give me hope for my future. And not only that, but I went all the way back to the HOW and WHY. Why do I do the things I do in business when God is in the lead? IT looks different, right? This was fresh air to my tired and weary mind. The knowing that God has a beautiful plan unfolding that includes using my past failures for a positive future, for myself + others.

You can hear it my words right? This insight has wrapped all my beliefs and passions into one beautiful package that I can get SO EXCITED about! It has been absolute GOLD. I kid you not. I would call it a core level booster, cutting through all the head stories we create to sabotage ourselves. NO FLUFF. Just straight forward, practical, go after it, make it count, valuable content, with all kinds of helpful resources. If you need to light a fire under your seat (or in your head), you can do it and you CAN also LOVE the process.

Going through these steps have COMPLETELY changed my approach and now I am SO EAGER to help other people find their way through the cycle of defeat. It is a blast figuring out what makes people’s hearts skip a beat and move mountains. That’s what you need to find, that’s what you need to do. That is AUTHENTIC + something to be passionate about. I am going to be posting some simple worksheets that will help your mind pull out from under the weight of burden or anxiety and start moving towards a bright, shining future.

In the meantime, pray and ask God for a light to shine in an area that has felt dim. Expect a nudge, a prompt, to reach out and love on someone. It all starts by serving others in love. ALWAYS.

Time to Worship: Quarantunes Playlist - best activity to relieve stress during quarantine.

Stressed or concerned yet? Going crazy? What day are we on of this home-bound quarantine? How many days do we have to go? So many thoughts and questions concerning quarantine.

The biggest one for me is how to manage my spinning thoughts around what the future will look like. ALL MY PLANS hinge on how this Corona virus plays out, here and around the world. So many “I don’t knows” right now. That is an uncomfortable place to prop yourself for any length of time.

This morning as God woke me up EXTRA early, He told me to turn on my portable speaker and listen. That the words to the melody had plans to minister to my soul and mind on this very day. So, I obeyed. I am SO GLAD I DID. As I listened He revealed song after song that spoke directly to all of my questions. They calmed the storm within me and reminded me of the bigger STORY. The story where I am not the author, and the one who is… well, He is OH-SO TRUSTWORTHY. It helped me to just breathe and find rest in not having to know, just needing to follow.

I decided to go ahead and take the morning worship song list and make it into a playlist on Spotify to share with all of you. I’d love to hear ideas of songs you would add to it. In fact, you can just pop on over and add it yourself because I made it a collaborative playlist. Here is the link: Spotify Playlist - Time to Worship: Quarantunes (please keep the list child friendly and Jesus centered)

I plan on running through this quarantine music playlist a few times a day… reminding myself that God is not surprised by this. He already has in mind what He is going to do about it. There is purpose in EVERYTHING. So the question is then, how do we show up in it? What does he have in mind for us to do in the space of it?

It is SO EASY to fill our heads with ideas of what our culture says will bring us peace, success, stability, comfort, and happiness. The fact is though, most of those things when acquired are very short-lived if fulfilling at all. So, let’s apply that thought to our current situation. WHAT IF God has different ideas for us than what we had been setting out to do? Wouldn’t this be THE PERFECT time to sit with him, soak in a little of His love, reconnect and LISTEN? I think this is a thing of beauty!

I am not saying this season is easy. I am not saying it is a good thing even. I am saying let’s make the MOST out of it! Let’s use these still days to allow God to speak to us. May we have eyes to see, ears to hear and willing minds to follow.

Listen to this song list and ask those very questions. He’ll speak to you, I just know it.

Psalm 46 The Message

A Song of the Sons of Korah

46 1-3 God is a safe place to hide,
    ready to help when we need him.
We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom,
    courageous in seastorm and earthquake,
Before the rush and roar of oceans,
    the tremors that shift mountains.

Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
    God-of-Angel-Armies protects us.

4-6 River fountains splash joy, cooling God’s city,
    this sacred haunt of the Most High.
God lives here, the streets are safe,
    God at your service from crack of dawn.
Godless nations rant and rave, kings and kingdoms threaten,
    but Earth does anything he says.

7 Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
    God-of-Angel-Armies protects us.

8-10 Attention, all! See the marvels of God!
    He plants flowers and trees all over the earth,
Bans war from pole to pole,
    breaks all the weapons across his knee.
“Step out of the traffic! Take a long,
    loving look at me, your High God,
    above politics, above everything.”

11 Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
    God-of-Angel-Armies protects us.

We can choose to wrestle our own way through this, or we can seek God’s wisdom and find His peace in the thick of this. Praying these songs for quarantine will help you to slow down your worries and fears and find rest for your weary soul.

Be well,

Kimber

Songs of Sorrow + Hope Found: The Next Right Thing.

For a few months now God has been pressing on me to share this. It’s pretty vulnerable and raw for me. Honestly, it just brings a ton of tears with every word I type. You see, music has been the healing balm to my heart. Well, hear me out for a minute, by healing balm I mean it is something I am applying to my life that is aiding the process towards healing. It isn’t a one time application. And that is why this post will eventually become a series of posts that God intends for me to share with you.

So, I’ll give you a little back story. Several months ago I was writing scriptures on my wall with my metallic gold pen while blasting worship songs from my portable speaker. At one point, as I was emotionally scribbling quite carelessly, the written words being scribbled on the wall began to match the lyrics sounding from the speaker… and then within minutes a text from daughter no.3 came in as the final reinforcement. God was colliding my actions + my intake to a very real place of awareness (that almost felt like an awakening jolt), He saw me, and he was in fact lining things up in my life. A VERY strong, in my face, reminder that He holds the POWER to align whatever he wishes and He is the pure love carrier that meets us in the thick of our chaos and dread. HOPE arrived in a flash that day.

Since then God has continued to use music to be the ONE thing my mind and heart can soften to. Spoken words seem to be quickly drowned out. For some reason people talking, instructing, giving advice… well, it all takes wayyyy too much energy. Probably because my mind is constantly at battle pushing back the memories. Reading leaves me wondering what the words said, and so I repeat, and again they disappear before my brain recognizes them. I don’t even make it off the initial page (other widows have told me this is very normal - that reading and retaining will take years to come back). But put WORDS to a melody? Ahhh, it just flows like honey in the direction of my pain, creating a bittersweet process of darn good grief. And that doesn’t mean it’s easy. It is painful, but it is beautiful, because it is progress. It is the NEXT RIGHT THING.

For some reason sharing this process I go through with the world seems a bit too exposed for me. BUT throughout this WHOLE SHABANG of my husband’s diagnosis and death I have told God to just use me. Pleading with him to constantly remind me to be willing, and to please let the end result be God bringing some form of goodness out of the pain. I’m a strong believer of that process. God wastes nothing! I have seen it happen over and over again, the broken story shared, the revelation of redemption, and the action of it reaching out its loving hope to lift another out of a pit.

So here I am today, sharing a song from a children’s animated movie. Why must it be a song from Disney’s Frozen 2? Well, I hope you will listen to the song and read along to the lyrics. I think you will understand the heart thumps of it as you do, even if you don’t have experience with deep grief yet.

I’ll tell ya, this song left me absolutely frozen in the theater, barely able to breathe. I kept my eyes stuck to the screen without a shift to the left or right where my kids sat. Hoping I could avoid the gasping cry that was forming in my throat. I just prayed through the whole song and asked God to hold me together. It’s heavy and it is OH-SO fitting for someone who has lost a spouse.

Take a listen and let me know how it speaks to you. (Click the title below to listen)

The NEXT RIGHT THING by Kristen Bell

I've seen dark before, but not like this
This is cold, this is empty, this is numb
The life I knew is over, the lights are out
Hello, darkness, I'm ready to succumb
I follow you around, I always have
But you've gone to a place I cannot find
This grief has a gravity, it pulls me down
But a tiny voice whispers in my mind
You are lost, hope is gone
But you must go on
And do the next right thing
Can there be a day beyond this night?
I don't know anymore what is true
I can't find my direction, I'm all alone
The only star that guided me was you
How to rise from the floor?
But it's not you I'm rising for
Just do the next right thing
Take a step, step again
It is all that I can to do
The next right thing
I won't look too far ahead
It's too much for me to take
But break it down to this next breath, this next step
This next choice is one that I can make
So I'll walk through this night
Stumbling blindly toward the light
And do the next right thing
And, with it done, what comes then?
When it's clear that everything will never be the same again
Then I'll make the choice to hear that voice
And do the next right thing

I pray this song finds you in a place where you are allowing yourself to FEEL the pain and recognize there is a light to walk towards. God is right here with us. With us in the next choice, the next step, the next tear. He understands like no one else can, and he loves us so deeply.

Be well,

Kimber

Let Go + Let’s GO: Boosting your immune system

Man, it's being talked about everywhere. How many of you are starting to get a wee bit concerned? Well, word to the wise, the worst thing you can do is STRESS yourself over it. It's wreaks havoc on the immune system and that is the one thing you want stronger than ever..

BOOSTING the IMMUNE SYSTEM seems to be the focus of the month.

The immune system has a vital role: It protects your body from harmful substances, germs and cell changes that could make you ill. It is made up of various organs, cells and proteins.

As long as your immune system is running smoothly, you don’t notice that it’s there. But if it stops working properly – because it’s weak or can't fight particularly aggressive germs – you end up down for the count. Ugh. So let’s find out how to help keep it STRONG!

There’s a L-O-N-G list of things you can avoid and increase in order to support your immune system better. We are going to cover just a few of them that we know are KEY. Let’s check it out

Things to REDUCE for the health of your IMMUNE SYSTEM. This is where I would start. This is not a complete list by any means.

Cut out sugar.
Eating sugar may put your white blood cells into a temporary coma. Even as little as two sugary sodas a day can lower the power of your germ-busting immune cells by 40%. Don’t risk it. Find the hidden sugars in your foods and try to stay in a range 50-100 grams of carbs a day, if doing keto even lower.

Overexerting.
Prolonged stress, intense strain on your body, or operating on too little sleep leads to a weakened immune system. A healthy dose of daily exercise will boost your immune system and reduce your stress but don’t exhaust yourself when trying to build your immune system, or it will have the opposite affect you are looking for.

Alcohol.
There are SO MANY ways alcohol impairs your immune system, leaving you more susceptible to threats. It’s important to know that the microbes living in your intestines, your gut’s microbiome, play an important role in fighting diseases.

When you consume larger amounts of alcohol it has many negative effects on your digestive system. It damages the epithelial cells in your intestines, making it harder to absorb many nutrients. It also severely disturbs your gut’s microbiome, significantly altering the balance of healthy and unhealthy bacteria. Alcohol affects the way health gut microbes interact with the immune system. Alcohol also disrupts the gut barrier, allowing more bacteria to pass into the blood. These rogue bacteria can cause inflammation in the liver and may lead to liver damage. Alcohol doesn’t just affect the function of the digestive tract. It also affects the respiratory system. Excessive drinking may impair the function of immune cells in the lungs and upper respiratory system. Because the immunity of the mucus is impaired in both the lungs and digestive tract, any disease can become more severe. PLEASE be cautious with alcohol consumption during this critical season. I know it can help calm the nerves, but is it worth the risk?

And here are the SUPER IMPORTANT pieces to supporting a STRONG IMMUNE SYSTEM.

1. Hydrate.
Keep your immunity up by drinking plenty of water to stave off infection. Staying hydrated helps your body naturally eliminate toxins and other bacteria that may cause illness. It helps to carry oxygen to your body cells, which results in properly functioning systems. By adding a little lemon essential oil to your water it helps give an extra boost so your body can remove toxins with ease.

2. Quality Sleep.
Get a solid 7-9 hours of RESTFUL sleep. Getting DEEP sleep is different than shifting around trying to sleep. That solid state of peaceful bliss is what we want to achieve. I get it, when our minds are consumed this can be tough. We will post a few recipes this evening with ideas for relaxing before bed.

Personally I can’t even try to sleep without a diffuser running near my bed. Most nights I prefer a fresh respiratory support blend that helps me to breathe deeply while settling in to slumber. Since my husband ’s diagnosis, and his passing, peaceful sleep has been so hard to find. So I rarely go without a natural supplement that REALLY helps me to relax enough to fall into deep sleep without feeling groggy. I’ll post a sleep kit option below if you think this is something that could help you. And please reach out to me if sleep or stress is a struggle.

Click: >>—-> Bundle Deal Sleep Kit : comes with 12 months of 25% off everything + gobs of goodness from our crew 

3. Gut + Overall Health.
Your gut is the core of your overall health. Feeding it an immune boosting diet of nutrient dense foods, probiotics, proper supplements, and fermented foods is crucial to maintaining a strong, healthy body. And it helps your brain too! Getting what you need in your food can be tough these days, with the quality of food available. So a whole food supplement is a great addition, as well as digestive enzymes to make sure your gut is actually breaking down your food and absorbing all it can from it.

Overall Health. Your immune system uses nutrients to fight infections. That’s right , food is powerful. So like we just talked about in the gut health portion, finding best quality food is tough. Our land that grows the food is a bit depleted of resources so quality of nutrients is less than optimal for a strong body. That whole food supplement that lifelong vitality brings you really is your BEST every day key body strengthening option. It is balanced, not too much, not too little, perfectly adapted to boost our cultures dietary norm to peak performance.

And let me say this, with the weight of worries on our shoulders and minds right now, this is NO TIME to skimp on helping your body be as effective as it can in fueling its immune system. Having the basic building blocks in place is a MUST. Your body was created to fight what it needs to, it just needs the proper fuel and maintenance to do so. Omega 3’s are vital to a well supported immune system.

If you think you need to do a better job supporting your IMMUNE SYSTEM this set is perfect.

Click >>—> Immune Support bundle: comes with 12 months 25% off everything and a bazillion other perks from our team

We are here to help you find the best way to support your current needs. So please don’t hesitate to reach out to us. We would love to help you.

Be well,

Kimber
Immune Support bundle

A BEAUTIFUL LIFE: even in the midst of a stormy sea.

Well, it's been a bit longer than I expected for this blog post. It's okay though. No worries on how this plays out. Not setting myself up for failure here, this is a free flowing, moving ship that will come in to port to rest when it wants. And then it will venture out on the next journey when it is stocked and ready to go. Who knows what water we will chart, or what the current will be. We can chart it, the current can redirect us and the weather can create a different set of plans all together. That is life in a nutshell. Thankful I know the creator of all these things. The one who holds it all in the palm of his hands and orchestrates it beautifully to work all together for the good.

This whole concept came to me as I was sitting at my friend’s ocean cabin. The weather outside was dark grey, pouring rain, while sharing the very same sky with bright blue, sunny patches paired with the wind a howling, pushing and demanding movement. Apparently they can all share space together and move through, together as planned. I LOVE that.

That witness brings me great comfort actually. I mean, think about it. How often do we set out on our day, week, month, life plan and have a set of ideas of what it will look like, SHOULD look like anyway. And then something different begins to play out, and our original focus get s a bit clouded. We begin to totally lose sight of it and begin reacting to the new things blowing in. When all of a sudden we remember.... wait... I am supposed to be doing this.."Dang it, I messed up and lost time. I can't believe I messed up again.. I am totally off track.” (Said while waving our hand frantically up in the air answering )"Yes, me, me me... right here, total failure!" Oh, the great slump of defeat.

But friends, look around at the sky. It all exists in the very same air where we take our life giving breath. The very thing that fuels our bodies moves around constantly within all of it. And here is the thing. It still works. It is still a life force. Does that bring anyone else here any comfort?

This is giving me a newfound grace for myself. Yeah... I may move off the path I have set out on but that doesn't take me out of the game... I am still in it and moving forward. I am still creating a journey to be shared, valued, respected and it is POWERFUL + LIFE-GIVING. I am excited to be learning how to navigate better - I think that comes with the balance of: slowing down, inhaling + praying. Yes, I am at the helm... setting the ship to sail in a certain direction. Yes the weather, currents and tides impact and aid or redirect me. But let's keep it real for a minute. God ultimately has the full authority over all: me, my life, my circumstances and whatever else has impact on my plans. And I love that! It brings a newfound freedom and excitement to see what adventures we will be taking together. I can relax a bit in the process of having to get it perfectly planned out and just seek His wisdom as I set out for my dream port.

And here is the thing. When we set out to do something and distraction comes our way. When we respond with a negative, I'm good for nothing mind set, what does it accomplish? Well, we are totally taken out of the game. We become a bi-product to defeat which leaves us incapacitated to move forward like a boat with a broken rudder, we are literally at a stop, stuck +hopeless. Oh please hear me, give yourself a break. Let the rays of grace soak into your skin, let your mind recognize the warmth that very grace has to offer. You my dear, simply cannot control everything, and you weren't ever meant to. God knows exactly how your days will count, and you just have to show up in His ask and say YES.

Set out on the course of your dreams, enjoy the distractions, pray through the challenges, find your strengths in the unforeseen adventures. Let’s begin by eliminating our need to steer + control our own ship while getting the wind knocked out of our sails when God re-routes us.

He then reached down from heaven, all the way from the sky to the sea. He reached down into my darkness to rescue me! He took me out of my calamity and chaos and drew me to himself, taking me from the depths of my despair! Even though I was helpless in the hands of my hateful, strong enemy, you were good to deliver me. When I was at my weakest, my enemies attacked— but the Lord held on to me. His love broke open the way and he brought me into a beautiful broad place.
He rescued me—because his delight is in me! Psalm 18:16-19

He DELIGHTS in you. He cares about your journey and has incredible plans for you. Let go of the need to control, relax + trust Him. He has incredible things planned for you. BREATHE it all in. It is a BEAUTIFUL thing, a BEAUTIFUL LIFE, even in the midst of a stormy sea.

Be Well,

Kimber

My entire story points to Him, even the dips and valleys.

Today I allowed myself a few minutes to dig back into my instagram posts from the last two years in order to allow myself to see where I have been and how far I have come. Because here is the deal, I have been feeling a bit stagnant, immobile, stuck in the thick of the grief. However, I remembered that a few months ago God reminded me how these seasons serve as a purpose to get us to the next hill to rise up on.

In October he showed me this:

“God has been carrying me in this valley. It is barely any effort of my own. Every time I try I fall flat. I just don’t seem to have the energy or mental space to sit and process with Him. Or maybe I am avoiding, skirting around and dodging the deep things? Not sure. Time will tell. But the question that keeps coming with my awareness of my avoidance is “Do I trust?” Is that what is stopping me from sitting in His presence?⠀
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I’ll be honest here- additionally Church has been a hard place to step into, so many memories. So, so many memories. Attending, leading, dreaming, building a family together, and healing. Healing happens in church, healing happens with God. ⠀
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Thankful for my kiddos yesterday- they all decided to gather and go... and I walked through the doors with them. And it was good. That first step gave me the strength to go with a couple of my kids to the worship event last night as well. SO GOOD. ⠀
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Which then led to me cracking open my Bible study this morning and journaling a bit as well. During that time God showed me this picture very clearly. Yes, the valleys and dips are tough... but He holds us tight by his right hand and lifts us up to higher ground. EVERY DIP + VALLEY CHANGES US, STRENGTHENS US, gives us a clearer perspective to be sympathetic, caring, loving, and world changers for the LOVE of Christ. ⠀
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For the LOVE let’s grab hands and go do hard things together.”

Sometimes looking back has its advantages. Just be careful you don’t stay there too long and get stuck.

Be well,

Kimber

Good Grief, what does it even look like?

I wish someone would tell me what GOOD GRIEF looks like. I take that back. No, I don’t! And here is why…

It doesn’t look like one particular thing. It doesn’t look the same from person to person. It doesn’t look the same day to day, or even hour to hour, or sometimes even minute to minute. Show me someone who loved deeply and lost, and I will show you yet another way that grief will show up on the scene. It is complex and individual to the person. And…. long lasting for most.

And MOURNING… the act of processing the deep abiding, long-lasting, grief. That is another thing entirely. Show me people who do that well and I will show you the most raw, revealing, public, tear your sackcloth, scream in the streets display of wailing you have ever seen. Stop and really think on that for a minute, how would that make you feel to witness? Um… perhaps too emotional for you? I mean, what would you do with that? Could you watch it comfortably from afar? Would you gently step up and touch it? Would you try to approach and hug it away? OR would you shift your attention elsewhere? I think internally your heart would quicken its step a little at that emotional exposure. Are they mad (as in out of their minds)? Do they need emergency assistance? Why can’t they control themselves? Many would want to do something about it to make it stop because it is just plain uncomfortable. And it should be…and it will be. And so what is a person going through it to do? Our culture holds many silent beliefs about this.

Okay, let’s open this door for a second…should those grieving “contain and control” the majority of the time? Is it a private matter? And let’s talk about the speed of it. Should it change its appearance rather quickly? Like would it be appropriate if the deep, incapacitating grief lasted a month or maybe two tops, following the loss? Then around 2-3 months we should probably expect the person to start engaging more and stepping back into the “real world” as many say. Oh, but they still seem and act different, perhaps guarded, distant, gloomy. Well, by six months surely they will be well on their way back to normal. And by a year… BAM… rolling forward with serious strides… in fact… some may say the wounds of grief should be basically healed at this point.

Oh friends, I am sitting here telling you that (let me count) it has been eight months since my husband passed and I am not sure I feel like I have taken one step towards healing. In fact, I am feeling the depth of the loss more deeply. It’s funny how the reality of all that the loss touches takes serious time to press into your thinking bank. Memory serves us well, until it doesn’t. My memory still tells me from experience he is going to walk through the door, that I need to check with him, that he is the expert and I need to wait for his opinion, that I am hurting and he is the one physical space where I can rest and feel comfort…. that last one is literally killing me. The VERY thing I need him most desperately for (comfort) is present because I NEED him most (first place besides God in my life). That one makes me feel like I am going mad. Reasoning ones absence in our lives doesn’t come easy. It takes time, a ton of different emotions, a bazillion spoken (or written) words, and even more thinking through. It hurts to think, talk, do and so our brains naturally do their very best to avoid it. We are literally fighting within our heads ALL THE DAY LONG. The brain does all it can to avoid the pain and at the same time it is screaming at you about your inabilities. Inability to focus, to do, to remember, to work through it. It is like 10,000 gears are working in different directions and at one no certain point they just end up jamming. Shutting down. Frozen. This typically happens to me in the late afternoon. I find myself DONE and ready to just close my eyes, sleep the rest of the day, or just turn everything off around me. I am literally exhausted mentally and physically with the simplest of things seeming impossible to accomplish. My brain just won’t work anymore.

This leads me into my current stage of discomfort with my grief. I am BEYOND ready for this pattern to be over, and to move on. I have things to do, I need to earn an income, I need to flipping just plain feel happy. I fear I am exhausting my friends, and I am certainly exhausting myself in the trying. But one can’t just give up… I must keep striving.

I do however trust the good, some relief from grief, is coming. I cling to that hope. A day will come when I have held more happy than sad within my minutes. I will always remember, I will always be sad it went how it did, but I will also look forward to the new. For now… I’ll just continue to feel and process until that day comes. So that the day will come.

And for those of you who are walking alongside someone who is grieving, or even approaching someone who is grieving. You don’t have to understand it. In fact, you probably can’t. But you can have immeasurable grace and love for them. Ask to help them with tangible tasks. The collections of those are often the most overwhelming. And listen… don’t be afraid. Let them RANT and just listen, and care. As they talk they are processing it out themselves. Fill the space with love and grace.

Be well,

Kimber

Spreading Christmas Cheer to the Delivery Drivers

This year we have really been making note of how tirelessly the delivery drivers work during this jam-packed online shopping season. In fact, just yesterday one of drivers asked to borrow the space in our carport to re-situate everything in his vehicle. Guys, this took him some time… and it was already dark out. AND he still obviously had a lot more to deliver.

I just kept thinking about how over the years I have heard my brother-in-law (delivery driver) talk about the jam-packed hours they have to work through the holidays. While they are busy delivering boxes and bags to those of us around the community eager for our packages to arrive, their families are at home eagerly waiting for them to arrive. Folks, they get home L-A-T-E and they work weekends. And so… we wanted to give them thanks, just a little something to brighten their day. We wanted to let them know that we understand they are sacrificing for us during this season that is meant for more meaningful family time. And… we wanted our gifts to them to be things that would really be appreciated in the bustle of the season.

So we collected some items we thought they would be able to put to good use without being bulky in their already overloaded day:

• beef jerky

• pepperoni sticks

• bang energy drinks

• coffee drinks

• nut mix

• good quality chapsticks

You know, things that are easy to munch, provide energy, or help to bring comfort to their overworked day.

We arranged them in a little tub that we already had on hand, lined it with one of our cute little fabric napkins from IKEA, and set it next to our door with a sign letting them know we would love for them to pick something.

It was a quick and super simple gesture and we are hoping it brightens their day just a wee bit. Honestly, it is fun giving opportunities like this that just give me a deeper sense of joy. Little things here and there that are unexpected and bring smiles to peoples faces.

I would love to hear ideas of what you would put in the basket, or other ideas of people you like to bless during this season.

Gratitude goes a LONG ways!

For all the weary, scattered Mama's out there: a journal + planner + scrapbook all in one.

Is it just me? Or does it seem like the older the kids get the LESS time you actually have to do all-the-things you were going to do when they no longer needed you to, like: wipe their noses, change their diapers, fix their food, set up their play time, on and on ( you get it, right?)

Is it that our aging brains speed up time and spin us around?:

“right 'round, baby
Right 'round like a record, baby
Right 'round, 'round, 'round”

(and if you are singing this catchy tune from Dead or Alive all day… well, you’re welcome!)

I can’t tell if perhaps it is having more external things to see to.

Or could my grief brain be a bit gelatinous with to-do’s bouncing all over and getting barely anything done?

Maybe time is literally being sucked away from me (the older you get the faster it goes kinda thing?). No matter the reason, time feels shorter than ever and I want to slow it down, scoop it up and record it in my memory forever.

I used to be the crafty mom who had all the moments on well thought out, cleverly designed pages, all packed into one glorious album. I spent many a day layering, cutting, gluing and creating masterpieces for my children to someday snicker about because it is OH-SO-DATED now. But they still love to look at their childhood photos, and they know took the time to create it for them.

Somehow between the “there” of littles and the “here and now” with adult kids + one teen, daily life has really changed for us. We still do all kinds of things but the at home stage of creating together has drastically slowed down. And maybe the digital age has something to do with it too?

I have created a few digital photo books, and videos, However, they lack the personal touch and the journaling piece of it. I find the expanse of time between the event and the creation of the memory piece leaves many details lost. (Thank you for that brain)

Recently life changed even more abruptly for us. With the loss of my husband we are reminded that every single minute counts, and I REALLY want to start recording them again. As I grabbed my son and headed to Hawaii for a two week break, I decided I WOULD get something created as a memory of it. AND how great would it be to process some of my grief, oh and plan my daily schedule so I could be more productive when I return, oh… and dream and plan for the future. And now, here I am with about 10 different journals, or notebooks, or something to try and juggle and organize ALL OF THIS. Welcome to my crazy process people.

BUT - here is the thing. I actually had a new clever plan to organize all of this chaotic brilliance. A dear friend introduced me to the Travel Notebook. IT was EVERYTHING I didn’t know I needed. This system is so beyond perfect for my current life stage because you totally make it what you need. AND it TOTALLY takes the pressure off of getting it “just-so” . Every little booklet is a minimal investment, so if you mess up on a page, so what? Just keep going. I purchased a couple cute insert booklets on etsy, but they also have super cheap plain ones. They also have all kinds of embellishments you can use but I am going with a bit more of a minimalist approach for mine.

I had some gift certificates for Amazon left from my birthday and purchased an HP Sprocket to print sticky back photos and make a mini Hawaii trip memory scrapbook, I have my planner booklet, my God moments + teachings booklet and my random notes + to-do’s. This thing is GREAT! I cannot believe how much easier it is on my brain to have a place to jot something down in a relevant place where I can find it later. (anyone else relate to this?) And with my sprocket I can even screen shot different quotes or teachings and print them, peel and stick in the proper booklet. Guys, this travel notebook system is so worth investing in.

It is the perfect everyday and holiday, must-have, must-pack, must-carry-with-you-at-all-times treasure. It is bringing me back my sanity. no joke.

I haven’t tried to make it pretty yet - I am literally just doing the thing, filling it out, making notes. and I ADORE IT!

If you are looking for a fun gift for a creative friend or family member this is the ticket. If you are a frazzled mom who can’t seem to keep your brain focused, this is the ticket. If you are bored and looking for a creative outlet, this is the ticket. Keep it as simple or as decorated as you like. BUT for me it isn’t even so much about that as it is keeping my sanity and my memory in one place.

If you are already a travel notebook fan let me know some of your favorite products or resources. Oh, and for those who want a super cute zipper bag that fits the journal and printer in, my friend bought me this incredible black and white reversible bag from Kaulua’e. CANNOT say enough about their products, excellent workmanship.

Here is to staying sane!

Be Well,

Kimber

Trauma Permanently Changes Us

Trauma. It wasn’t a word I would have thought I would be using with such a common type of death as cancer. However, when you sit with your person, and go through the treatments, and watch them suffer, and eventually die… well, it is indeed traumatic.

As the days go by, and some of the memories choose to resurface, you know… the kind where you are back in that room again, with all the sights, sounds and smells. It is then that your heart begins to race, and your eyes leak at the gut punch of reality. Your brain wants to turn it off quickly while clinging to it at the same time. This is because for a brief moment your mind would almost choose to be there (even knowing the outcome) versus sitting in this empty void you have been left with. The uncomfortable space between yes, this is my new reality and no, I don’t want to do this. I am sitting here telling you no one wants to do this.

The gut punch ache never leaves, even though your brain is doing a pretty thorough job of trying to protect your shattered heart. But when the brain is triggered by God to let the walls drop a little… “It’s okay, she can handle that memory, drop that wall, let her remember.” And BAM it unexpectedly slaps you awake… it is right here in this space that you are beyond aware you, no doubt, have experienced trauma.

A lot of times I find myself wondering if I will ever be the same, and I have come to the conclusion that, no, no I won’t. Will I still have joy, yes. Will I continue to have moments where I laugh until I snort at the silliest of things? Yes. Will I be able to go a week without bawling? Maybe? Will life go on and will new life experiences be fulfilling. For sure. But still…

I found a lot of comfort in this article that I found by Catherine Woodiwiss: A New Normal: Ten Things I’ve Learned About Trauma. Here is an excerpt:

This is the big, scary truth about trauma:
there is no such thing as “getting over it.”
The five stages of grief model marks
universal stages in learning to accept loss,
but the reality is in fact much bigger:
a major life disruption leaves a new normal
in its wake. There is no “back to the old me.”
You are different now, full stop.

This is not a wholly negative thing.
Healing from trauma can also mean
finding new strength and joy.
The goal of healing is not a papering-over
of changes in an effort to preserve or
present things as normal. It is to acknowledge
and wear your new life — warts, wisdom and
all — with courage.

– Catherine Woodiwiss

I am different now. If you have experienced trauma, you are different now. It is okay. Don’t try to hurry your way back to an old state of norm to please the people around you. It won’t happen. Give yourself the gift of grace and patience as you discover your new life, day by day.

Cheers my friend, here is to a new life with warts, wisdom and all.

Be Well-

When the “ABOUT US” changes: dealing with loss

I’m sitting here, in Hawaii. Dreamy right? It stirs up all kinds of romantic notions, yes? However, romance is the last thing on my brain. I’m actually sitting here thinking about how on earth I got here.

Oh, I know that I arrived here on a plane with an airline ticket that I myself purchased. That isn’t what I am referring to. I am talking about how on earth did I end up a middle-aged woman, sitting (possibly wallowing),  in the thick of immense grief. 

GRIEF

GRIEF because 20 months ago my husband was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer.  

GRIEF because 12 months ago we found out it was tougher to fight than we thought. 

GRIEF because the next year would be filled to the brim with horrendous battle after exhaustingly unsuccessful battle. 

-GRIEF because six months ago he was SET FREE from the battle. 

But here is the unfortunate thing… I wasn’t. My kids weren’t excused either. The memories still swirl in our brains, poke at our hearts and physically shake us at times. We so wanted a different outcome. We wanted a victory story that would have us all on our feet dancing, singing praises of “Only God could do that.” as we grabbed Dave’s hands and raised them high in adoration. 

As deep as our longings were, as heartfelt as our prayers could have been, that wouldn’t be the conclusion to Dave’s story.

Our “ABOUT US” has changed and it is not what we would have chosen.

I brought my computer with me on this trip because God has made it evidently clear that he has some work for me to do. (I’ll get to that in a future post.) But this is the deal for now… I needed to update this website, and I needed to start with the about page. AND I hate that I am sitting here having to do this. That battlecry part of the story is over and now…. yeah, now what? What the heck am I about? As I go down the list of what used to be there are a lot of boxes to check of “not anymore’s”  - so then what is left? What is going to be? I don’t even know.

I do know one thing: the cancer battle for Dave is over which means the battle of making the memories serve us well is in full force. The battle of choosing to keep going and staying strong. The battle of fulfilling what God has in mind for us to do. YES. Every single day will reveal to us what that looks like. Our job isn’t to think too far out and become overwhelmed, our job is to be present with listening ears and a willing heart… no matter the cost.

God, help us to not waste a morsel of what you intend to use in us and through us. Help us to feel, to process, to pray, to grow closer to you in the thick of it all. Carry us through what we can’t muster the strength to trek on our own. 

I am posting below our old “ABOUT” contents because I don’t want to erase the past journey, I want to embrace it, hold it dear and use it to launch forward. 

(About page 2018/19”

“THE JOURNEY SO FAR

I was talking with my husband the other day about this life we have lived together. Battling cancer as a family has a way of walking you through the years and almost demanding you reflect on your story. Are the pages filled with all that matters? What chapters did we miss? Any we would choose to rewrite? Looking back I would say we have lived a fairly BIG life in our recently turned 50 years. I imagine the rising action and climax in our current storyline would be something people would dream about  happening at some point in their lifetime.

The pages of this website will be riddled with some of the stories of our glorious adventures with family, lake life, racing boats and cars, camping, taking teams to Tanzania and Kenya, partnering with a school in Kibera Slum, working alongside programs in Tanzania that help widows, orphans and young single mamas, starting a nonprofit, overcoming debilitating pain and more. Those are the peaks. Then there are the valleys of abandonment, abuse, anxiety, cancer, a stillborn baby, the division of a family business. The beauty in all of this is the good comes with a natural sparkle but the hard places… they have the ability to shine when you find the beauty in the pain. It’s always there just waiting to be picked up, dusted off and held high. 

My personal story is packed full with this type of rescuing. So, so many stories of being redeemed from the muck and mire covered in the thick weight of my earned distress. When that kind of grace and mercy show up in your life you are pretty eager to sprinkle it around like confetti. 

I hope you find the encouragement and help you are looking for here. We will be posting our upcoming workshops, simple DIY projects, devotions, keto recipes, and random musings along the way. “

Heart + Mind Work