For a few months now God has been pressing on me to share this. It’s pretty vulnerable and raw for me. Honestly, it just brings a ton of tears with every word I type. You see, music has been the healing balm to my heart. Well, hear me out for a minute, by healing balm I mean it is something I am applying to my life that is aiding the process towards healing. It isn’t a one time application. And that is why this post will eventually become a series of posts that God intends for me to share with you.
So, I’ll give you a little back story. Several months ago I was writing scriptures on my wall with my metallic gold pen while blasting worship songs from my portable speaker. At one point, as I was emotionally scribbling quite carelessly, the written words being scribbled on the wall began to match the lyrics sounding from the speaker… and then within minutes a text from daughter no.3 came in as the final reinforcement. God was colliding my actions + my intake to a very real place of awareness (that almost felt like an awakening jolt), He saw me, and he was in fact lining things up in my life. A VERY strong, in my face, reminder that He holds the POWER to align whatever he wishes and He is the pure love carrier that meets us in the thick of our chaos and dread. HOPE arrived in a flash that day.
Since then God has continued to use music to be the ONE thing my mind and heart can soften to. Spoken words seem to be quickly drowned out. For some reason people talking, instructing, giving advice… well, it all takes wayyyy too much energy. Probably because my mind is constantly at battle pushing back the memories. Reading leaves me wondering what the words said, and so I repeat, and again they disappear before my brain recognizes them. I don’t even make it off the initial page (other widows have told me this is very normal - that reading and retaining will take years to come back). But put WORDS to a melody? Ahhh, it just flows like honey in the direction of my pain, creating a bittersweet process of darn good grief. And that doesn’t mean it’s easy. It is painful, but it is beautiful, because it is progress. It is the NEXT RIGHT THING.
For some reason sharing this process I go through with the world seems a bit too exposed for me. BUT throughout this WHOLE SHABANG of my husband’s diagnosis and death I have told God to just use me. Pleading with him to constantly remind me to be willing, and to please let the end result be God bringing some form of goodness out of the pain. I’m a strong believer of that process. God wastes nothing! I have seen it happen over and over again, the broken story shared, the revelation of redemption, and the action of it reaching out its loving hope to lift another out of a pit.
So here I am today, sharing a song from a children’s animated movie. Why must it be a song from Disney’s Frozen 2? Well, I hope you will listen to the song and read along to the lyrics. I think you will understand the heart thumps of it as you do, even if you don’t have experience with deep grief yet.
I’ll tell ya, this song left me absolutely frozen in the theater, barely able to breathe. I kept my eyes stuck to the screen without a shift to the left or right where my kids sat. Hoping I could avoid the gasping cry that was forming in my throat. I just prayed through the whole song and asked God to hold me together. It’s heavy and it is OH-SO fitting for someone who has lost a spouse.
Take a listen and let me know how it speaks to you. (Click the title below to listen)
The NEXT RIGHT THING by Kristen Bell
I've seen dark before, but not like this
This is cold, this is empty, this is numb
The life I knew is over, the lights are out
Hello, darkness, I'm ready to succumb
I follow you around, I always have
But you've gone to a place I cannot find
This grief has a gravity, it pulls me down
But a tiny voice whispers in my mind
You are lost, hope is gone
But you must go on
And do the next right thing
Can there be a day beyond this night?
I don't know anymore what is true
I can't find my direction, I'm all alone
The only star that guided me was you
How to rise from the floor?
But it's not you I'm rising for
Just do the next right thing
Take a step, step again
It is all that I can to do
The next right thing
I won't look too far ahead
It's too much for me to take
But break it down to this next breath, this next step
This next choice is one that I can make
So I'll walk through this night
Stumbling blindly toward the light
And do the next right thing
And, with it done, what comes then?
When it's clear that everything will never be the same again
Then I'll make the choice to hear that voice
And do the next right thing
I pray this song finds you in a place where you are allowing yourself to FEEL the pain and recognize there is a light to walk towards. God is right here with us. With us in the next choice, the next step, the next tear. He understands like no one else can, and he loves us so deeply.
Be well,
Kimber