My mornings are such a mix these days. They range from waking with head pressure, sometimes angst, maybe a song, all the way to out and out enthusiasm. But I am not so far away from the brutal slap of widowed reality + gasp for oxygen mornings, sleepless nights, to forget their sting. They were my unwelcomed morning ritual for, well, far too long to count. I will say they were there long enough, they were consistent enough for me to be able rise and recognize the feeling of freedom without their presence. And today it has brought to me a place of such deep gratefulness.
Today was one of those days. This morning I woke up with words of thanks spouting from my lips. I found myself standing up + speaking out loud from my heart:
“God, I LOVE you. Thank you for that. Thank you for loving me and for helping me to know you. Like really, KNOW you and TRUST you. Thank you for having a plan for my life. A good plan. Thank you for the people you have put around me in my life, to help remind me and to spur me on. Thank you that you are teaching me that I can trust myself .“ SCREECHING HALT…. ummmmm, wait … WHAT did I just claim? And when did that happen?
See, since Dave passed away this sneaky little distrust in myself began to grow. As time continued to separate me from the life I had lived with my husband I found myself questioning more and more of my abilities: my decision-making processes, my feelings, the filters I run info through, my ability to show up. I began to feel this weird weight of scrutiny pressing on me. And I found myself wondering just where did this mental onslaught stem from? Because I was pretty sure a lot of it was in my head.
Through time + much thought, I have come to the conclusion that there were some key voices that spoke into the spaces of my falsely held beliefs.
1- Well-intentioned people questioning my process.
2- The void where his voice once spoke to bring balancing opinions + thoughts.
3- History. All the voices of my past failures magnified by the risk of facing future ones alone.
4- The whispers of the enemy, “You can’t do it.”
The sheer volume of these voices spinning on repeat in my head would hit me at different times throughout the day, although I will say this… I think they were probably on constant replay. I think I was just busy putting every ounce of my subconscious mental energy into drowning them out. However, it took its toll + somewhere between 2-4pm my brain would just want to shut off with my body closely wanting to follow. About that time the nerves would fire up to keep me in motion until bedtime. And throughout the evening and upon rising I would have a spontaneous electrical dance responding to those voices until I stood up to drown them out that following morning. And repeat.
But somehow scattered here and there I found space to sit with Jesus,
even when I didn’t feel like I had a drop of energy to personally show up. My sordid past had already proven His immense love for me + I knew I could trust him to show up even when I couldn’t muster much strength. I just needed a willing heart to try.
And as I started to implement some simple steps with my Being Known time I would find Jesus asking me morning after morning… “I know you don’t trust yourself, but DO YOU TRUST ME?” Yes, Jesus, I do, completely.” And in my journey with him this last year He has shown me SO MUCH about the voices I was tipping my head to, the things that were holding my gaze. It matters much. And with his simple questions + his deep love, my mind has been able to identify some of the faulty wiring + naturally I am beginning to respond out of more of his truth.
In the course of that, I have fallen SO deeply in love with Jesus, right in the thick of my painful process. The very thing that took a swing at me with the intention of taking me out resulted in shifting my position + opening my view to THE ONE who would steady my stance by wrapping his loving arms around me, holding me tightly, looking straight into my eyes, while asking me the question over and over again until I believed it to my very core:
“Kim, do you trust me?”
I do. If ever I trust anything, it is YOU!
My journey is still long. I have much to still discover BUT for today I am so grateful to recognize that although I won’t ever have all the right answers on my own, I do know the ONE who does. And we are tight, like really tight. In fact, he adores me.
This song:
LOVE YOURSELF
by Justin Bieber + modified lyrics by Tanner Townsend, it gets me every single time I listen to it. Close your eyes + wrap the words around your heart and mind.
“For all the times that you feel so alone
And when you don't know where to turn or to go
You think you're too far gone, you've made your last mistake
You think I'm lying test me, kneel down and pray
'Cause Gods got a plan for you
Listen to the spirit there's too many
Different voices, block out all the noises
I'm singing that I know it's true
And if you think you're worthless, I just want to help you know that
You're still good, don't look back
And the Father loves you, and he loves everyone
And I'd invite you to pray through His Son
We get so caught up in our day, we forget to kneel and pray
Yes I know that you are never on your own
If you could see the way He sees your soul
Then maybe you could learn to love yourself
And if you start to hear the still small voice
Then maybe you could go and trust yourself
And if you start to feel that all your hope is lost
Remember Jesus died on Calvary's Cross
He suffered all the pains and hopelessness you'll see
So you can break the chains and start to be free
'Cause Gods got a plan for you
Listen to the spirit there's too many
Different voices, block out all the noises
I'm singing that I know it's true
And if you think you're worthless, I just want to help you know that
You're still good, don't look back
And the Father loves you, and he loves everyone
And I'd invite you to pray through His Son
We get so caught up in our day, we forget to kneel and pray
Yes I know that you are never on your own
If you could see the way He sees your soul
Then maybe you could learn to love yourself
And if you start to hear the still small voice
Then maybe you should go and trust yourself
For all the times that I know, you feel small
Just take His hand, and He will help you stand tall
And if you hold fast to the rod and don't lose sight
Then you can know that it will end up alright
And the Father loves you, and he loves everyone
And I'd invite you to pray through His Son
We get so caught up in our day, we forget to kneel and pray
Yes I know, that you are never on your own
If you could see the way He sees your soul
Then maybe you could learn to love yourself
And if you start to hear the still small voice
Maybe you should learn to love yourself”
