Do you trust me? The repeated question that changed my grief journey.

The other day I was sitting rather mindlessly allowing my thoughts to move with ease bouncing back and forth through memories and my current day situation. This relaxed state of mind practice seems quite natural to most but non-existent to many who are grieving. To allow the grieving mind to drift is to consider the thought of physically jumping into a boxing ring. You don’t know what thought will take that swing that leads to a knockout. The fact I was free to relax my thinking and coast back to review the lived-out chapters showed I was making progress.

As I sat there seeing the chapters of life without Dave flipping before me God revealed a piece of His beautiful offering that had helped provide me with shelter in the midst of the pelting grief storm. It was a question that was posed to me over, and over, and over, and over, and over, again and again. A question of weighted words that wouldn’t make space for a flippant answer. It was a question pointed like a magnifying scope looking straight to the core of my entire being.

“Do you trust me?” -Jesus

You see, my body and mind took many different forms in my grief: from laid out flat sleeping to a curled-up sobbing fetal position. From arms waving in the air praising, to my head resting on my Bible soaking. From scuffing my feet through the red soil of Africa serving, to lounging at my friend’s cabin receiving. From voraciously studying and creating in order to provide my way, to trying to relax just enough to find calm in my racing heart with solitude and rest.

I was scared in the face of the unknown and I was doing everything I knew I should to find my way and make my path straight. Until I couldn’t, and then I would run like crazy and try to escape the pain. Until I realized the pain follows you because it is part of you, it dwells within. There is no escaping it. So, back to creating. Back to learning. Back to doing. Back to… you name it.

BUT THROUGHOUT.

This is the part that matters most. This is the plumbline of truth that keeps our foundation level when we build upon it. That repeated question asked throughout the mayhem of my stability-building attempts: “Do YOU trust ME?” -Jesus?

The question would often catch me off-guard, stop me in my tracks, and take my heaving breath away from me. My vision would narrow in on Him, eyes locking, nerves settling, worries decreasing, fear subsiding, grounding found. “YES.” “I trust YOU, Jesus.”

“I question this world and the people in it, myself included. But I trust you yesterday, today, and forever.” Honestly. In the wake of the storms, my answer is still YES. More now than ever. and with that trust, the next step comes a little easier. Jesus is indeed trustworthy even in the unknown and in the broken.

I could write five chapters on this but for now, I want to keep it to this next point: When the unknown of your future gets loud or feels shakey, there is a way through it. This pattern of a repeated trust statement changes things. The key is that you have to believe it. You have to envision a very real Jesus holding your hand, scooping you up, leading the way, walking alongside, gazing into your eyes, and seeing the very core of your being. He knows you, He loves you, and every single thing about you matters to Him. He has a plan for you and it is a really good one.

Not despite the broken but because of it.

Do you trust Him?

The impact of grief on the Nervous System + how to heal it.

Grief can take a real toll on your mind, brain and body. It rolls in with all of it’s heaviness and the questioning sets in with it.

Will I be able to handle this? It feels like too much. How long will this last? Am I going to make it? I still feel broken.

And we get questions from people, we feel the opinions of others (whether they be real or not), we listen to the experts, and we compare.

The more restless we get, the more inferior we feel in our grief, the more our mind sees and experiences a psychological threat. And next thing we know our focus narrows, our brain spins, our body responds with all of stress alarms and signals. We become even more tired.

The great news is that we can interrupt this tiresome toxic pattern by following the following steps:

As we recognize our patterns and establish new ways to rewire them we begin to heal. The first step starts with our thoughts, our beliefs about ourselves.

We have to hijack the cycle by inserting new, positive, thoughts that speak the truth about who God created us to be and who He says He is for us. We may be running a bit short on strength but the One will always be more than enough.

1. Identify the root of the negative thought

2. Develop a statement of truth that offsets that thought. Know it well.

3. Whenever your pattern presents itself spout out that statement and break the pattern. And praise God for helping you to recognize it and do something about it.

The truth is that God has designed you beautifully. He has created you for a purpose knowing full well every single chapter of your story and how they would equip you for the next. He understands the weariness of it all and He is right there with you in the thick of it.

Trust me, I know this is not an easy journey. But it is worth doing well, you are worth the investment of proper grief healing. This is just the beginning but it is a good one…

Strong follicle scalp serum : hair loss + thinning

Hair loss often occurs as a result of stress in the mind or body and sometimes all it needs is a little boost of love and nourishment with essential oils to boost those hair follicles back into high gear.

Natural ingredients are important, you certainly don’t want to stick toxic chemicals near your brain. However, it also matters which natural products you choose in order to receive maximum benefits.

essential oils are a no brained, by now we are pretty certain you know the difference between real, pure and potent essential oils and the brands off the grocery store shelves. If not, check out our page on the essentials.

but the carrier oils you use have different qualities as well. Like the comedogenic rating of each oil which tells you it’s absorption rate, basically. We have chosen some of our favorite noncomedogenic oils to use in this serum paired with really potent essential oils that each have specific reasons for being included in this serum.

The image in the photo above shows the real results of our friend who used the serum over a period of 2+ weeks and washed her hair every five days. Every scalp is different, there are a ton of factors that play into reasons behind hair loss. No matter what, this will help boost your hair follicles back toward better health. You will also receive a ton of other health benefits.

This serum is going to do wonders. Even if you don’t struggle with hair thinning or loss, this will boost the health and growth of your hair. We suggest using this once a week on a regular basis.

Grief Serum Recipe: a simple + kind nightly routine towards healing.

Grief is sneaky.

Grief is heavy.

Grief is exhausting.

Grief can deplete us to a place where we barely recognize ourselves.

And here is the thing…

Sometimes it wears us down to a level that not only impacts our state of mind but our bodies and potentially our belief systems as well. We may end up believing we don’t have anything in us to pull out of the pit we are currently in. That is a flat-out LIE though… even in the depths of grief, we can still continue to take steps towards healing.

That is what this post is all about. Having a super simple tool on hand that feels darn good, is relaxing, and helps you take steps towards healing.

I have found at the end of the day, during the time that pillow talk would typically happen, I needed a way to care for myself and remind myself I was going to be okay. Somehow, my evening process with this simple technique was not only caring for me but it also helped me to remember I was wanting to show up better and stronger for my future.

Note: You aren’t limited to using it at night, these tools and techniques can be used any time of day, whenever grief overwhelm strikes. Many of the oils do assist

Let me tell you a little bit about why I chose these specific essential oils included in my Grief Serum Recipe. Each one provides essential oils that help provide emotional stability, promote movement throughout the mind + body, and are especially good for the skin. I am telling you these are grief-busting oils. They target the areas that grief has tried to make me out, and I am guessing you as well.

Look, I am not saying this is a “do this and BAM, IT’S INSTANTLY BETTER.” But what I am saying is it truly is a soothing technique that does a lot more than just feel good. Whether you feel them or not your body and mind are responding, and with consistent use there will be substantial change. And yes, how it does work for me instantly is in the reminder that I care about myself, I care about my future, I care about how I process my grief and move forward.

I have a graphic posted with the recipe, the number on each essential oil bottle is how many drops to put in the 10ml roller bottle, and then top with baobab oil. You can use another low-comedogenic oil but this one is an absolute favorite of mine.

Make sure you check out the graphics I have posted here to see more on the oil-specific benefits. And feel free to do your own check on each one, you will be BLOWN AWAY. So good!

If you don’t have these specific oils I have a link to grab them here: GRIEF SKINCARE OILS

This investment towards natural health is completely worth it and trust me, there are SO many additional uses for these beauties. (If you decide to grab these make sure and send me a note so I can get you my additional uses booklet.)

Items you will need:

Frankincense, Helichrysum, Blue Tansy + Roman Chamomile

Baobab Oil Carrier Oil

10ml White / Gold Rollerbottles

Beginner’s Face Massage Book

There are a whole host of resources you can use to learn new techniques for self-administered face, foot, and body massage. The book I have listed above is really simple to follow along with and in the thick of heavy grief simple matters. I also have a lymphatic book that is spectacular: The Book of Lymph , if you want to get a little more specific in areas you are addressing. I use it for my sinus congestion. One more item I find really helpful is my Gua Sha stone, it is cool + smooth, I love the way it glides across my skin with the grief serum. These aren’t necessary, just for those who like to dive deep quickly. The essential oils + the baobab oil in a roller bottle, and your hands, are all you need to do the basic techniques in the beginner’s book.

I’d love to hear your feedback after trying this nightly for a few weeks. Let me know if you experience slightly deeper sleep, calmer nerves, or maybe a spark of nurture has lit for your weary soul.

Grief is hard work but it is SO worth it! I am praying this technique becomes a simple and effective tool for you to have in your grief toolbox.

5 tips for Gripping Hope through the Holidays: dealing with Grief + Emotions

She sat there, or was trying to. Even the task of sitting brought discomfort. It required stillness, and stillness allowed for ALL of the emotions to be felt. If only she could just keep doing, moving, planning….

but she was exhausted. All of her attempts at grief escape had left her depleted. Her mind + body needed rest but the physical and mental exhaust had only dropped the defensive walls down to the surface of the grief flood waters, they were brimming, beginning to splash over a little. How might she avoid the onrushing waves that were certain to crash in soon? Oh, please, not now….

She was tired. Too tired for the heavy weep of sorrow. Oh, so tired… but oh so unsettled. Letting the grief flow freely was still so difficult, so painful.

But so was avoiding it, just a different kind of steady pain that she barely recognized was happening. Recognized or not, it was crippling her. It was taking her out, little by little, day by day. She had to find a way…

And so she did, and she still does. Because grief is certain to come and go.

But now, most of the time, she knows when to welcome it, and how she can do that best.

Let’s see if some of the tips in the slide show above help you. I tried to think of some of the biggest issues I have faced coping with grief during the holidays. It’s challenging, I won’t lie. But, we do have options that can help us manage better, help us find our way through it with a little more ease. It isn’t easy but it feels better after we do it. Honest!

I created a mini-book for you to help to move through the holidays. It has more detailed information and access to some of what I use regularly in my Grief Toolbox. You can click the link HERE for my HOPE for the Grieving Heart Mini-Book. It is only $6.95, up for a very limited time at just a fraction of the cost that my physical book will be. So grab it while you can!

Alcohol may calm your nerves + numb your pain? But it is also poison to your brain.

A little sip, turns into a glass or two. Relaxed, right? Seems like a good way to unwind, especially when the health industry has been saying it has quite a few benefits. 

But wait, does it? And if so do they outweigh the harm?

And what does this have to do with the grief process anyway? A lot.

I think many consider wine/alcohol as a natural sedative. After Dave died I must have been brought wine with nearly every meal delivered from friends. And to be fair, there has been a handful of times I have sipped on a glass, but it is far from a normal routine for me. And this isn’t because of the idea of brain damage, because I didn’t have this info from Doctor Daniel Amen and his extensive research yet, but it was more about wanting to feel + be in reality. I knew the depth of my grief would require a deep altering to not feel it, and I just wasn’t willing to take the risks that come with that.

Scans, along with several studies, is revealing the many ways that alcohol impacts the brain. Decreased blood flow to the brain, limited brain cell reproduction, increased risk of dementia, hippocampus atrophy, and more. Add on increased anxiety and brain fog.

So yes, it may calm your nerves for a brief spell but it sounds to me like a very temporary numbing with great potential to lead to much more unsettling conditions.

It just isn’t worth it when there are so many more options out there now. Like natural options that truly help with building overall strength, long term.

It is time to invest in finding your way through your grief , naturally. Know better + do better!

A cancer widow's tale: When words fall short but LOVE doesn't.

Lament, sorrow, pain. Sometimes we allow ourselves to go there, sit there, feel it. Other times it presses in like a vice grip on our brains. Yesterday, was a vice grip day as I was standing in the kitchen. My mind uncontrollably reeling, revisiting all kinds of thoughts. Honestly, considering conversations that never were. A new reality of deep grief was forming due to a lack of conversation.

Why didn't Dave talk to me about it?

Why didn't he give me advice, permission, his wishes, and why didn't he give me a goodbye letter. He gave each of our kids one. Why not me? 

And as for me....

Why didn't I scream at cancer in his face?

Why didn't I cry out in front of him that I didn't want him to leave me?

Why didn't I beg for him to tell me everything my ears and heart so badly wanted to hear from him? WHY????? 

I was asking God this yesterday in my extremely vulnerable state. I had been on the verge of tears (or full-out bawling) the entire day. 

As I was standing in the kitchen facing the cupboards, for who knows how long, mind sloshing away in the grief sludge. Why?   … and God, clear as DAY, told me "That was you LOVING HIM WELL. That was you loving him in the most sacrificial form there is."  You see, I needed SO MUCH MORE. I needed words, I needed to hear his heart for me. I needed him to tell me I was going to be okay. I needed him to tell me everything he wanted me to do and to say with the kids from here on out. I got none of it, not one word. What I did get was a simple look of content, over + over again.

Decades of marriage with him proved I could easily have forced him to talk to me.... so why didn't I? Why did I sit there in a state of quiet and calm when in truth I so desperately longed for words. Because I LOVED HIM so DESPERATELY. I didn't press or demand... I sat in his process with him. I allowed him to do it his way. No, WE did it his way together. I followed his lead, and he held tight to his HOPE. 

So many tell me they can't believe the tremendous faith we had through it all. Yes, we did. But I think perhaps they are confusing what they witnessed as faith when in reality a lot of it was Dave’s positive mindset, and perhaps even a touch of denial. They think because we didn't post about the struggle, fears, and appearance of a gloomy outcome that we believed 100% he would be healed. I don't think any of us stood on that ground, but hope was always on the fringes. My husband was few on words but the ones he did choose to speak were full of life, hope, and days to come. Any others were unspoken.

Everything in my nature would have screamed for answers, and real talk, but somehow in the thick of our 14 month long chaos of chemo, radiation and unsuccessful bone marrow transplant, God gave me a supernatural ability to die to self. I am so grateful for that now. We did did it our way, we did our best, we loved well. Sometimes love looks like action, and sometimes love looks like quiet. Real words may have fallen short but love was more than evident in the chosen QUIET. 

When words fall short but LOVE doesn’t.

My entire story points to Him, even the dips and valleys.

Today I allowed myself a few minutes to dig back into my instagram posts from the last two years in order to allow myself to see where I have been and how far I have come. Because here is the deal, I have been feeling a bit stagnant, immobile, stuck in the thick of the grief. However, I remembered that a few months ago God reminded me how these seasons serve as a purpose to get us to the next hill to rise up on.

In October he showed me this:

“God has been carrying me in this valley. It is barely any effort of my own. Every time I try I fall flat. I just don’t seem to have the energy or mental space to sit and process with Him. Or maybe I am avoiding, skirting around and dodging the deep things? Not sure. Time will tell. But the question that keeps coming with my awareness of my avoidance is “Do I trust?” Is that what is stopping me from sitting in His presence?⠀
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I’ll be honest here- additionally Church has been a hard place to step into, so many memories. So, so many memories. Attending, leading, dreaming, building a family together, and healing. Healing happens in church, healing happens with God. ⠀
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Thankful for my kiddos yesterday- they all decided to gather and go... and I walked through the doors with them. And it was good. That first step gave me the strength to go with a couple of my kids to the worship event last night as well. SO GOOD. ⠀
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Which then led to me cracking open my Bible study this morning and journaling a bit as well. During that time God showed me this picture very clearly. Yes, the valleys and dips are tough... but He holds us tight by his right hand and lifts us up to higher ground. EVERY DIP + VALLEY CHANGES US, STRENGTHENS US, gives us a clearer perspective to be sympathetic, caring, loving, and world changers for the LOVE of Christ. ⠀
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For the LOVE let’s grab hands and go do hard things together.”

Sometimes looking back has its advantages. Just be careful you don’t stay there too long and get stuck.

Be well,

Kimber

Trauma Permanently Changes Us

Trauma. It wasn’t a word I would have thought I would be using with such a common type of death as cancer. However, when you sit with your person, and go through the treatments, and watch them suffer, and eventually die… well, it is indeed traumatic.

As the days go by, and some of the memories choose to resurface, you know… the kind where you are back in that room again, with all the sights, sounds and smells. It is then that your heart begins to race, and your eyes leak at the gut punch of reality. Your brain wants to turn it off quickly while clinging to it at the same time. This is because for a brief moment your mind would almost choose to be there (even knowing the outcome) versus sitting in this empty void you have been left with. The uncomfortable space between yes, this is my new reality and no, I don’t want to do this. I am sitting here telling you no one wants to do this.

The gut punch ache never leaves, even though your brain is doing a pretty thorough job of trying to protect your shattered heart. But when the brain is triggered by God to let the walls drop a little… “It’s okay, she can handle that memory, drop that wall, let her remember.” And BAM it unexpectedly slaps you awake… it is right here in this space that you are beyond aware you, no doubt, have experienced trauma.

A lot of times I find myself wondering if I will ever be the same, and I have come to the conclusion that, no, no I won’t. Will I still have joy, yes. Will I continue to have moments where I laugh until I snort at the silliest of things? Yes. Will I be able to go a week without bawling? Maybe? Will life go on and will new life experiences be fulfilling. For sure. But still…

I found a lot of comfort in this article that I found by Catherine Woodiwiss: A New Normal: Ten Things I’ve Learned About Trauma. Here is an excerpt:

This is the big, scary truth about trauma:
there is no such thing as “getting over it.”
The five stages of grief model marks
universal stages in learning to accept loss,
but the reality is in fact much bigger:
a major life disruption leaves a new normal
in its wake. There is no “back to the old me.”
You are different now, full stop.

This is not a wholly negative thing.
Healing from trauma can also mean
finding new strength and joy.
The goal of healing is not a papering-over
of changes in an effort to preserve or
present things as normal. It is to acknowledge
and wear your new life — warts, wisdom and
all — with courage.

– Catherine Woodiwiss

I am different now. If you have experienced trauma, you are different now. It is okay. Don’t try to hurry your way back to an old state of norm to please the people around you. It won’t happen. Give yourself the gift of grace and patience as you discover your new life, day by day.

Cheers my friend, here is to a new life with warts, wisdom and all.

Be Well-

When the “ABOUT US” changes: dealing with loss

I’m sitting here, in Hawaii. Dreamy right? It stirs up all kinds of romantic notions, yes? However, romance is the last thing on my brain. I’m actually sitting here thinking about how on earth I got here.

Oh, I know that I arrived here on a plane with an airline ticket that I myself purchased. That isn’t what I am referring to. I am talking about how on earth did I end up a middle-aged woman, sitting (possibly wallowing),  in the thick of immense grief. 

GRIEF

GRIEF because 20 months ago my husband was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer.  

GRIEF because 12 months ago we found out it was tougher to fight than we thought. 

GRIEF because the next year would be filled to the brim with horrendous battle after exhaustingly unsuccessful battle. 

-GRIEF because six months ago he was SET FREE from the battle. 

But here is the unfortunate thing… I wasn’t. My kids weren’t excused either. The memories still swirl in our brains, poke at our hearts and physically shake us at times. We so wanted a different outcome. We wanted a victory story that would have us all on our feet dancing, singing praises of “Only God could do that.” as we grabbed Dave’s hands and raised them high in adoration. 

As deep as our longings were, as heartfelt as our prayers could have been, that wouldn’t be the conclusion to Dave’s story.

Our “ABOUT US” has changed and it is not what we would have chosen.

I brought my computer with me on this trip because God has made it evidently clear that he has some work for me to do. (I’ll get to that in a future post.) But this is the deal for now… I needed to update this website, and I needed to start with the about page. AND I hate that I am sitting here having to do this. That battlecry part of the story is over and now…. yeah, now what? What the heck am I about? As I go down the list of what used to be there are a lot of boxes to check of “not anymore’s”  - so then what is left? What is going to be? I don’t even know.

I do know one thing: the cancer battle for Dave is over which means the battle of making the memories serve us well is in full force. The battle of choosing to keep going and staying strong. The battle of fulfilling what God has in mind for us to do. YES. Every single day will reveal to us what that looks like. Our job isn’t to think too far out and become overwhelmed, our job is to be present with listening ears and a willing heart… no matter the cost.

God, help us to not waste a morsel of what you intend to use in us and through us. Help us to feel, to process, to pray, to grow closer to you in the thick of it all. Carry us through what we can’t muster the strength to trek on our own. 

I am posting below our old “ABOUT” contents because I don’t want to erase the past journey, I want to embrace it, hold it dear and use it to launch forward. 

(About page 2018/19”

“THE JOURNEY SO FAR

I was talking with my husband the other day about this life we have lived together. Battling cancer as a family has a way of walking you through the years and almost demanding you reflect on your story. Are the pages filled with all that matters? What chapters did we miss? Any we would choose to rewrite? Looking back I would say we have lived a fairly BIG life in our recently turned 50 years. I imagine the rising action and climax in our current storyline would be something people would dream about  happening at some point in their lifetime.

The pages of this website will be riddled with some of the stories of our glorious adventures with family, lake life, racing boats and cars, camping, taking teams to Tanzania and Kenya, partnering with a school in Kibera Slum, working alongside programs in Tanzania that help widows, orphans and young single mamas, starting a nonprofit, overcoming debilitating pain and more. Those are the peaks. Then there are the valleys of abandonment, abuse, anxiety, cancer, a stillborn baby, the division of a family business. The beauty in all of this is the good comes with a natural sparkle but the hard places… they have the ability to shine when you find the beauty in the pain. It’s always there just waiting to be picked up, dusted off and held high. 

My personal story is packed full with this type of rescuing. So, so many stories of being redeemed from the muck and mire covered in the thick weight of my earned distress. When that kind of grace and mercy show up in your life you are pretty eager to sprinkle it around like confetti. 

I hope you find the encouragement and help you are looking for here. We will be posting our upcoming workshops, simple DIY projects, devotions, keto recipes, and random musings along the way. “

Heart + Mind Work