3 uncommon truths about stored grief.

Grief is more than thoughts, or feelings, it is a full body experience. It impacts our entire bodies. Which means what we do with our grief can make a tremendous difference. Whether we stuff it, store it, reserve it, repress it - or we allow it, feel it, work through it, honor it, finding our unique ways to move it and respect it the way it deserves.

Recently I heard that the loss of a love is like a rock. We can stick it in our pocket, we can hold it up to view it, we can stick it in a bag we are carrying, we can hold it to our heart… but we are carrying it from now until forever. HOW we carry it can change, where we carry it can change, how we and when we choose to. look at it may change. But the weight and size of it won’t diminish. But, in carrying that rock, we will develop new techniques, muscles, and balance. We will learn, we will adapt.

One of the best parts of walking through grief with someone is finding the beautifully bittersweet ways of allowing, honoring and working through the hard spaces of adjusting to this added weight of grief. This is where we find hope.

Hope is not sticking a bandaid of words or ideas over pain, it is in hearing, feeling, sharing, and processing stories, memories, and current grief impact on our hearts, minds, bodies and relationships. Grief isn’t about letting go but about carrying it with. That idea has some discomfort that comes with because who wants to feel loss forever, and it brings a sense of relief with permission to be vulnerably raw about the truth of what you are feeling today.

I’m rooting for you in the space of this. I’m praying God is meeting you right where you are, showing you it is okay, all the feelings. He is not disappointed, or distant, he is ever-presently in this with you. Just as you are. And maybe the hardest part is feeling that or believing it. But I pray you do. I pray you know that you know, that God has never walked away, or taken his eyes off of you, he has been holding you all along. All you need to do right now is find ways to rest in that truth.

If you would like to book an appointment with me to discover some ways to move through your grief, you can set up a consult appointment here.

Recognizing Trauma Through Mind Scribble | Free Worksheet

Trauma, it isn’t what happened, it is what happens within us as a result of harsh life events that impacted us. When we can’t process properly in the moment of the event it stores itself up in our mind and bodies. And it wreaks havoc just sitting there. Ignoring it just isn’t good enough, it’s eating at us, whether we can identify the damage or not. So, what do we do? We begin with recognition. We start by not being afraid to tap into what hasn’t been dealt with yet. I’ve created (what I think) is a fun process to loosen up and let go a little.

FREE worksheet. Save + Print. Recognizing Trauma thru Mind Scribble Worksheet | Essentially Loved

It all started today when I was watching a REALLY good sermon on Trauma. You heard me right, a sermon on Trauma. Craig Groeschel at Life Church did an excellent job of unpacking what trauma is, how important it is for the healing process to recognize it, and how this leads to a place where you can eventually use your pain for a purpose by helping others. This info wasn’t new to me but an idea in response to it was.

As I was listening to the end of the sermon an image of a worksheet popped into my head. I quickly created this worksheet and decided to give it a try. I have to say, I loved the process of it. I snuggled up on my cozy couch, with a cozy blanket, rolled some breathe on my chest to open my airways and mind, got my pens ready, and relaxed my way into the process.

As I was began I went in with a black pen to write down past events that popped into my head. I didn’t allow myself time to sit and process each event, I just remembered, jotted it down, and moved on to the next one. Then I decided to go back and create a more artistic expression with it. I grabbed colored pens and quickly scanned my life once again (starting a little younger), writing down what came to mind in a few words. For some of my entries I used letters, initials, or code words.

Feel free to save and print out the image on the left to complete your own. It’s free. I am SO for you finding freedom from the bound pain. I’m over here right now praying for you and your process. I know God cares so deeply about all you have been through. and he wants to help you heal. He really does.

Once you have worked through this and sat with it a little make sure and check back here. I’ll be sharing new posts to help with some next steps once you get this completed.

BIG SIGH, say a prayer asking God to hold you tight through the process, and let’s get to work.

You got this!

Do you trust me? The repeated question that changed my grief journey.

The other day I was sitting rather mindlessly allowing my thoughts to move with ease bouncing back and forth through memories and my current day situation. This relaxed state of mind practice seems quite natural to most but non-existent to many who are grieving. To allow the grieving mind to drift is to consider the thought of physically jumping into a boxing ring. You don’t know what thought will take that swing that leads to a knockout. The fact I was free to relax my thinking and coast back to review the lived-out chapters showed I was making progress.

As I sat there seeing the chapters of life without Dave flipping before me God revealed a piece of His beautiful offering that had helped provide me with shelter in the midst of the pelting grief storm. It was a question that was posed to me over, and over, and over, and over, and over, again and again. A question of weighted words that wouldn’t make space for a flippant answer. It was a question pointed like a magnifying scope looking straight to the core of my entire being.

“Do you trust me?” -Jesus

You see, my body and mind took many different forms in my grief: from laid out flat sleeping to a curled-up sobbing fetal position. From arms waving in the air praising, to my head resting on my Bible soaking. From scuffing my feet through the red soil of Africa serving, to lounging at my friend’s cabin receiving. From voraciously studying and creating in order to provide my way, to trying to relax just enough to find calm in my racing heart with solitude and rest.

I was scared in the face of the unknown and I was doing everything I knew I should to find my way and make my path straight. Until I couldn’t, and then I would run like crazy and try to escape the pain. Until I realized the pain follows you because it is part of you, it dwells within. There is no escaping it. So, back to creating. Back to learning. Back to doing. Back to… you name it.

BUT THROUGHOUT.

This is the part that matters most. This is the plumbline of truth that keeps our foundation level when we build upon it. That repeated question asked throughout the mayhem of my stability-building attempts: “Do YOU trust ME?” -Jesus?

The question would often catch me off-guard, stop me in my tracks, and take my heaving breath away from me. My vision would narrow in on Him, eyes locking, nerves settling, worries decreasing, fear subsiding, grounding found. “YES.” “I trust YOU, Jesus.”

“I question this world and the people in it, myself included. But I trust you yesterday, today, and forever.” Honestly. In the wake of the storms, my answer is still YES. More now than ever. and with that trust, the next step comes a little easier. Jesus is indeed trustworthy even in the unknown and in the broken.

I could write five chapters on this but for now, I want to keep it to this next point: When the unknown of your future gets loud or feels shakey, there is a way through it. This pattern of a repeated trust statement changes things. The key is that you have to believe it. You have to envision a very real Jesus holding your hand, scooping you up, leading the way, walking alongside, gazing into your eyes, and seeing the very core of your being. He knows you, He loves you, and every single thing about you matters to Him. He has a plan for you and it is a really good one.

Not despite the broken but because of it.

Do you trust Him?

Unfelt Grief | How to Honor Your Sadness + Process Through It

Pain, it’s natural for us to want to avoid it, right? Our built in avoidance techniques shift into gear before we even recognize them. This leads us to a place of trapped emotions. These emotions can wreak havoc in our mind and bodies.

I don’t know what events lead you here. But for me the alarms signals began blaring after I lost my husband. I had been through a lot of loss + hardship prior to. Unfortunately, I thought I was handling the past events fine. As I have been learning new ways to process my sadness and recognize triggers old stuff has emerged as well. My body was keeping the score.

So in this post I want to WELCOME YOU to a simple practice of honoring your sadness. Helping you to see that you don’t need to be afraid of it or press it down. I want you to have freedom from the fear of sadness leaking out or erupting by practicing ways to welcome it. With the practice of holding sadness sessions, by allowing it and moving it through, it will help release a lot of the pressure of the unexpected outbursts. Oh, triggers will still bring some tears but they may not have the same energy behind them and you will know what helps you to move through it. This really helps, truly.

You want to start by creating a safe space and protected time. Someplace you feel comfortable and won’t be easily interrupted. You may want music playing, essential oils diffusing, a candle lit, a cozy blanket, or the fresh air with grass underneath you. Just find space somewhere that you feel safe enough.

The next thing I do is grab some scriptures and read them asking God for his clarity and truth to be present as I begin to feel and process. I invite Him into the space with me. This reminds me that I am NOT ALONE, He is leading.

Then I grab an essential oil and put a drop in the palm of my hand and rub my palms together. While my brain is preparing to settle into the memories or situation I am doing my deep breathing. In through my nose for 5 seconds, exhale through my nose for 7-11 seconds. and repeat, and repeat, and repeat. Eventually I drop my hands, my eyes are closed and tears are streaming. (Keep the tissue close by and make sure the oils aren’t on your finger tips for the tear wipes.)

Often during this time Jesus arrives on the scene and shows me something new about it. Not always, but often. When that I like to journal down the notes.

This process seems simple enough, doesn’t it? Just wait until you make a commitment to start practicing this and you will see how powerful it is. God is a creative God and as you begin trying this He will show you new things to try and do in response.

The goal of this isn’t to circle and spin in one thought, it is to learn how to move through them. These hurts are stored in our memory banks but how we respond to them makes a big difference in how we show up in the world. If you feel stuck you may need professional help to learn some new techniques or skills. Don’t be afraid of that either. Seeking help is one of the bravest things you can do and it is such a terrific reminder that you are not in this alone. People care and want to help you!

I am also listing oils specifically helpful for processing sadness. These essential oils can do a multitude of things but today I am sharing a list of them for emotional support with sadness. Breathe is exceptionally good for this particular practice as it opens the airways and clears thinking.

• Hope essential oil blend

• Rose essential oil

• Console essential oil blend

• Citrus Bliss essential oil blend

• Ylang Ylang essential oil

• Siberian fir essential oil

• Peppermint essential oil

• Eucalyptus essential oil

These are terrific natural options for helping your mind to relax, release, feel and move through.

I’m praying for you and your process. I know God is with you in this, and so am I.

Grief Serum Recipe: a simple + kind nightly routine towards healing.

Grief is sneaky.

Grief is heavy.

Grief is exhausting.

Grief can deplete us to a place where we barely recognize ourselves.

And here is the thing…

Sometimes it wears us down to a level that not only impacts our state of mind but our bodies and potentially our belief systems as well. We may end up believing we don’t have anything in us to pull out of the pit we are currently in. That is a flat-out LIE though… even in the depths of grief, we can still continue to take steps towards healing.

That is what this post is all about. Having a super simple tool on hand that feels darn good, is relaxing, and helps you take steps towards healing.

I have found at the end of the day, during the time that pillow talk would typically happen, I needed a way to care for myself and remind myself I was going to be okay. Somehow, my evening process with this simple technique was not only caring for me but it also helped me to remember I was wanting to show up better and stronger for my future.

Note: You aren’t limited to using it at night, these tools and techniques can be used any time of day, whenever grief overwhelm strikes. Many of the oils do assist

Let me tell you a little bit about why I chose these specific essential oils included in my Grief Serum Recipe. Each one provides essential oils that help provide emotional stability, promote movement throughout the mind + body, and are especially good for the skin. I am telling you these are grief-busting oils. They target the areas that grief has tried to make me out, and I am guessing you as well.

Look, I am not saying this is a “do this and BAM, IT’S INSTANTLY BETTER.” But what I am saying is it truly is a soothing technique that does a lot more than just feel good. Whether you feel them or not your body and mind are responding, and with consistent use there will be substantial change. And yes, how it does work for me instantly is in the reminder that I care about myself, I care about my future, I care about how I process my grief and move forward.

I have a graphic posted with the recipe, the number on each essential oil bottle is how many drops to put in the 10ml roller bottle, and then top with baobab oil. You can use another low-comedogenic oil but this one is an absolute favorite of mine.

Make sure you check out the graphics I have posted here to see more on the oil-specific benefits. And feel free to do your own check on each one, you will be BLOWN AWAY. So good!

If you don’t have these specific oils I have a link to grab them here: GRIEF SKINCARE OILS

This investment towards natural health is completely worth it and trust me, there are SO many additional uses for these beauties. (If you decide to grab these make sure and send me a note so I can get you my additional uses booklet.)

Items you will need:

Frankincense, Helichrysum, Blue Tansy + Roman Chamomile

Baobab Oil Carrier Oil

10ml White / Gold Rollerbottles

Beginner’s Face Massage Book

There are a whole host of resources you can use to learn new techniques for self-administered face, foot, and body massage. The book I have listed above is really simple to follow along with and in the thick of heavy grief simple matters. I also have a lymphatic book that is spectacular: The Book of Lymph , if you want to get a little more specific in areas you are addressing. I use it for my sinus congestion. One more item I find really helpful is my Gua Sha stone, it is cool + smooth, I love the way it glides across my skin with the grief serum. These aren’t necessary, just for those who like to dive deep quickly. The essential oils + the baobab oil in a roller bottle, and your hands, are all you need to do the basic techniques in the beginner’s book.

I’d love to hear your feedback after trying this nightly for a few weeks. Let me know if you experience slightly deeper sleep, calmer nerves, or maybe a spark of nurture has lit for your weary soul.

Grief is hard work but it is SO worth it! I am praying this technique becomes a simple and effective tool for you to have in your grief toolbox.

5 tips for Gripping Hope through the Holidays: dealing with Grief + Emotions

She sat there, or was trying to. Even the task of sitting brought discomfort. It required stillness, and stillness allowed for ALL of the emotions to be felt. If only she could just keep doing, moving, planning….

but she was exhausted. All of her attempts at grief escape had left her depleted. Her mind + body needed rest but the physical and mental exhaust had only dropped the defensive walls down to the surface of the grief flood waters, they were brimming, beginning to splash over a little. How might she avoid the onrushing waves that were certain to crash in soon? Oh, please, not now….

She was tired. Too tired for the heavy weep of sorrow. Oh, so tired… but oh so unsettled. Letting the grief flow freely was still so difficult, so painful.

But so was avoiding it, just a different kind of steady pain that she barely recognized was happening. Recognized or not, it was crippling her. It was taking her out, little by little, day by day. She had to find a way…

And so she did, and she still does. Because grief is certain to come and go.

But now, most of the time, she knows when to welcome it, and how she can do that best.

Let’s see if some of the tips in the slide show above help you. I tried to think of some of the biggest issues I have faced coping with grief during the holidays. It’s challenging, I won’t lie. But, we do have options that can help us manage better, help us find our way through it with a little more ease. It isn’t easy but it feels better after we do it. Honest!

I created a mini-book for you to help to move through the holidays. It has more detailed information and access to some of what I use regularly in my Grief Toolbox. You can click the link HERE for my HOPE for the Grieving Heart Mini-Book. It is only $6.95, up for a very limited time at just a fraction of the cost that my physical book will be. So grab it while you can!

Alcohol may calm your nerves + numb your pain? But it is also poison to your brain.

A little sip, turns into a glass or two. Relaxed, right? Seems like a good way to unwind, especially when the health industry has been saying it has quite a few benefits. 

But wait, does it? And if so do they outweigh the harm?

And what does this have to do with the grief process anyway? A lot.

I think many consider wine/alcohol as a natural sedative. After Dave died I must have been brought wine with nearly every meal delivered from friends. And to be fair, there has been a handful of times I have sipped on a glass, but it is far from a normal routine for me. And this isn’t because of the idea of brain damage, because I didn’t have this info from Doctor Daniel Amen and his extensive research yet, but it was more about wanting to feel + be in reality. I knew the depth of my grief would require a deep altering to not feel it, and I just wasn’t willing to take the risks that come with that.

Scans, along with several studies, is revealing the many ways that alcohol impacts the brain. Decreased blood flow to the brain, limited brain cell reproduction, increased risk of dementia, hippocampus atrophy, and more. Add on increased anxiety and brain fog.

So yes, it may calm your nerves for a brief spell but it sounds to me like a very temporary numbing with great potential to lead to much more unsettling conditions.

It just isn’t worth it when there are so many more options out there now. Like natural options that truly help with building overall strength, long term.

It is time to invest in finding your way through your grief , naturally. Know better + do better!

Banana Tea: A natural mood + sleep boosting recipe.

Do you struggle with sleep much? I know for me sleep is currently off + on. Throughout Dave’s cancer + following his death my sleep was non-existent. So, I am still working hard to recover from all of that deprivation. It’s so hard on the body. This Banana Tea though! Cheap, easy + about as natural as you can get.

You may have heard it said before that banana peel contains the most nutrient-dense part of the fruit. But, who really wants to eat a banana peel? I don’t know, maybe someone out there has a good recipe for ingesting it. If so, please share!

This tea, however, gets you the nutrients without having to chew your way through a peel. I think it is a SPECTACULAR option to be able to sip your way towards a sounder slumber + happier mood. Tea just sounds comforting but then add in the health benefits.

Why is it that bananas help? Potassium + magnesium baby, they are a HUGE help when it comes to equipping your body, and bananas are an amazing natural source for these minerals. The peels also contain tryptophan which naturally produces serotonin + melatonin in our bodies. What?!?

Yep. This may be the cheapest + most natural option for helping you catch some solid wink eye. Let’s not stop there, serotonin is the key hormone that stabilized our moods, it gives us feelings of well-being. Can even boost feelings of happiness! and who doesn’t need a little extra dose of that these days?

Here is the recipe:

• 1 rinsed organic banana*

• cut ends of banana off

• boil 2-3 cups water

• place banana in boiling water

• simmer for 10 minutes

• strain + serve

• can add a sprinkle of cinnamon

• I add a drop of vanilla

• *note: for low glycemic just use peel and omit the fruit.

YUM!
Tell me you don’t have a list of five people that immediately come to mind who could use this Hope tip.

Let me know if you try this + What you think. Cheers to a healthier you!

A cancer widow's tale: When words fall short but LOVE doesn't.

Lament, sorrow, pain. Sometimes we allow ourselves to go there, sit there, feel it. Other times it presses in like a vice grip on our brains. Yesterday, was a vice grip day as I was standing in the kitchen. My mind uncontrollably reeling, revisiting all kinds of thoughts. Honestly, considering conversations that never were. A new reality of deep grief was forming due to a lack of conversation.

Why didn't Dave talk to me about it?

Why didn't he give me advice, permission, his wishes, and why didn't he give me a goodbye letter. He gave each of our kids one. Why not me? 

And as for me....

Why didn't I scream at cancer in his face?

Why didn't I cry out in front of him that I didn't want him to leave me?

Why didn't I beg for him to tell me everything my ears and heart so badly wanted to hear from him? WHY????? 

I was asking God this yesterday in my extremely vulnerable state. I had been on the verge of tears (or full-out bawling) the entire day. 

As I was standing in the kitchen facing the cupboards, for who knows how long, mind sloshing away in the grief sludge. Why?   … and God, clear as DAY, told me "That was you LOVING HIM WELL. That was you loving him in the most sacrificial form there is."  You see, I needed SO MUCH MORE. I needed words, I needed to hear his heart for me. I needed him to tell me I was going to be okay. I needed him to tell me everything he wanted me to do and to say with the kids from here on out. I got none of it, not one word. What I did get was a simple look of content, over + over again.

Decades of marriage with him proved I could easily have forced him to talk to me.... so why didn't I? Why did I sit there in a state of quiet and calm when in truth I so desperately longed for words. Because I LOVED HIM so DESPERATELY. I didn't press or demand... I sat in his process with him. I allowed him to do it his way. No, WE did it his way together. I followed his lead, and he held tight to his HOPE. 

So many tell me they can't believe the tremendous faith we had through it all. Yes, we did. But I think perhaps they are confusing what they witnessed as faith when in reality a lot of it was Dave’s positive mindset, and perhaps even a touch of denial. They think because we didn't post about the struggle, fears, and appearance of a gloomy outcome that we believed 100% he would be healed. I don't think any of us stood on that ground, but hope was always on the fringes. My husband was few on words but the ones he did choose to speak were full of life, hope, and days to come. Any others were unspoken.

Everything in my nature would have screamed for answers, and real talk, but somehow in the thick of our 14 month long chaos of chemo, radiation and unsuccessful bone marrow transplant, God gave me a supernatural ability to die to self. I am so grateful for that now. We did did it our way, we did our best, we loved well. Sometimes love looks like action, and sometimes love looks like quiet. Real words may have fallen short but love was more than evident in the chosen QUIET. 

When words fall short but LOVE doesn’t.

The Unexpected in Widowhood: Learning to trust.

My mornings are such a mix these days. They range from waking with head pressure, sometimes angst, maybe a song, all the way to out and out enthusiasm. But I am not so far away from the brutal slap of widowed reality + gasp for oxygen mornings, sleepless nights, to forget their sting. They were my unwelcomed morning ritual for, well, far too long to count. I will say they were there long enough, they were consistent enough for me to be able rise and recognize the feeling of freedom without their presence. And today it has brought to me a place of such deep gratefulness.

Today was one of those days. This morning I woke up with words of thanks spouting from my lips. I found myself standing up + speaking out loud from my heart:

“God, I LOVE you. Thank you for that. Thank you for loving me and for helping me to know you. Like really, KNOW you and TRUST you. Thank you for having a plan for my life. A good plan. Thank you for the people you have put around me in my life, to help remind me and to spur me on. Thank you that you are teaching me that I can trust myself .“ SCREECHING HALT…. ummmmm, wait … WHAT did I just claim? And when did that happen?

See, since Dave passed away this sneaky little distrust in myself began to grow. As time continued to separate me from the life I had lived with my husband I found myself questioning more and more of my abilities: my decision-making processes, my feelings, the filters I run info through, my ability to show up. I began to feel this weird weight of scrutiny pressing on me. And I found myself wondering just where did this mental onslaught stem from? Because I was pretty sure a lot of it was in my head.

Through time + much thought, I have come to the conclusion that there were some key voices that spoke into the spaces of my falsely held beliefs.

1- Well-intentioned people questioning my process.

2- The void where his voice once spoke to bring balancing opinions + thoughts.

3- History. All the voices of my past failures magnified by the risk of facing future ones alone.

4- The whispers of the enemy, “You can’t do it.”

The sheer volume of these voices spinning on repeat in my head would hit me at different times throughout the day, although I will say this… I think they were probably on constant replay. I think I was just busy putting every ounce of my subconscious mental energy into drowning them out. However, it took its toll + somewhere between 2-4pm my brain would just want to shut off with my body closely wanting to follow. About that time the nerves would fire up to keep me in motion until bedtime. And throughout the evening and upon rising I would have a spontaneous electrical dance responding to those voices until I stood up to drown them out that following morning. And repeat.

But somehow scattered here and there I found space to sit with Jesus,

even when I didn’t feel like I had a drop of energy to personally show up. My sordid past had already proven His immense love for me + I knew I could trust him to show up even when I couldn’t muster much strength. I just needed a willing heart to try.

And as I started to implement some simple steps with my Being Known time I would find Jesus asking me morning after morning… “I know you don’t trust yourself, but DO YOU TRUST ME?” Yes, Jesus, I do, completely.” And in my journey with him this last year He has shown me SO MUCH about the voices I was tipping my head to, the things that were holding my gaze. It matters much. And with his simple questions + his deep love, my mind has been able to identify some of the faulty wiring + naturally I am beginning to respond out of more of his truth.

In the course of that, I have fallen SO deeply in love with Jesus, right in the thick of my painful process. The very thing that took a swing at me with the intention of taking me out resulted in shifting my position + opening my view to THE ONE who would steady my stance by wrapping his loving arms around me, holding me tightly, looking straight into my eyes, while asking me the question over and over again until I believed it to my very core:

“Kim, do you trust me?”

I do. If ever I trust anything, it is YOU!

My journey is still long. I have much to still discover BUT for today I am so grateful to recognize that although I won’t ever have all the right answers on my own, I do know the ONE who does. And we are tight, like really tight. In fact, he adores me.

This song:

LOVE YOURSELF

by Justin Bieber + modified lyrics by Tanner Townsend, it gets me every single time I listen to it. Close your eyes + wrap the words around your heart and mind.

“For all the times that you feel so alone
And when you don't know where to turn or to go
You think you're too far gone, you've made your last mistake
You think I'm lying test me, kneel down and pray

'Cause Gods got a plan for you
Listen to the spirit there's too many
Different voices, block out all the noises
I'm singing that I know it's true
And if you think you're worthless, I just want to help you know that
You're still good, don't look back

And the Father loves you, and he loves everyone
And I'd invite you to pray through His Son
We get so caught up in our day, we forget to kneel and pray
Yes I know that you are never on your own

If you could see the way He sees your soul
Then maybe you could learn to love yourself
And if you start to hear the still small voice
Then maybe you could go and trust yourself

And if you start to feel that all your hope is lost
Remember Jesus died on Calvary's Cross
He suffered all the pains and hopelessness you'll see
So you can break the chains and start to be free

'Cause Gods got a plan for you
Listen to the spirit there's too many
Different voices, block out all the noises
I'm singing that I know it's true
And if you think you're worthless, I just want to help you know that
You're still good, don't look back

And the Father loves you, and he loves everyone
And I'd invite you to pray through His Son
We get so caught up in our day, we forget to kneel and pray
Yes I know that you are never on your own

If you could see the way He sees your soul
Then maybe you could learn to love yourself
And if you start to hear the still small voice
Then maybe you should go and trust yourself

For all the times that I know, you feel small
Just take His hand, and He will help you stand tall
And if you hold fast to the rod and don't lose sight
Then you can know that it will end up alright

And the Father loves you, and he loves everyone
And I'd invite you to pray through His Son
We get so caught up in our day, we forget to kneel and pray
Yes I know, that you are never on your own

If you could see the way He sees your soul
Then maybe you could learn to love yourself
And if you start to hear the still small voice
Maybe you should learn to love yourself”

When grief tries to steal, don't believe it.

F A M I L Y

Hold them tight, cherish the moments, because you just never know.

This photo is missing a key player from it. The one that stood at the helm to navigate our course and he was the one who knew where to drop the anchor that steadied us in a safe harbor.

Honestly, he was my grounding person. I am the dreamer, the planner, the visionary, the creative force, the spontaneous let's go girl. And he was my, (what I often called), dream squasher. Haha. He brought all the practical into any situation that presented itself. "Okay Kim, so "HOW" are we going to do that?" At the time I didn't give the process the respect it deserved. I need that in my life to help me look at both sides of the same coin.

I miss that.

I miss him.

We all do.

There is SO MUCH that has changed + there is SO MUCH that we miss. There is SO MUCH that we have processed + SO MUCH MORE to work through. We have experienced quite the trauma during the process of fighting to lose, and in the defeat of cancer, we have been left with a thick residual of heavy grief.

BUT we have learned SO MUCH.

This is the gold in the story. This is where God redeems the broken. He doesn't rewrite stories, he adds on to them... bringing new strength, growth, or light in response to what happened. We can count on this. He never leaves us where we are at, He always has things to show us and places to take us. We just can't let ourselves lose sight of him in the process. EVEN IF it means just barely cracking one eye open-enough to squint in his direction. Or one cracky whisper of "You're here, right God? I'm not alone, even though every ounce of me feels like it."

"Yes baby girl, I'm right here. I haven't taken my eye off of you for one single second. I love you so much + I know how deeply you are hurting. Someday you'll be able to walk again... for now just find rest in the knowledge I am here + I am fighting for you."

That right there is what has carried me to this point. Knowing my God is here, and true to his word. He will never leave me and never forsake me... and I have just got to believe that because my, what I thought was “FOREVER LOVE” did leave me. Not by his own doing but never the less, he is gone. And that messes with a girl's mind + heart on all sorts of levels.

I have SO MUCH MORE to say on this. But for now I just wanted to stop on in with a quick update and encourage anyone who is suffering immense loss. YOU AREN'T ALONE... EVER. Not even in your darkest nights. YOU are being fought for and guess what... he already won! I pray you can find some peace and some rest in that.

YOU are loved,

Trauma Permanently Changes Us

Trauma. It wasn’t a word I would have thought I would be using with such a common type of death as cancer. However, when you sit with your person, and go through the treatments, and watch them suffer, and eventually die… well, it is indeed traumatic.

As the days go by, and some of the memories choose to resurface, you know… the kind where you are back in that room again, with all the sights, sounds and smells. It is then that your heart begins to race, and your eyes leak at the gut punch of reality. Your brain wants to turn it off quickly while clinging to it at the same time. This is because for a brief moment your mind would almost choose to be there (even knowing the outcome) versus sitting in this empty void you have been left with. The uncomfortable space between yes, this is my new reality and no, I don’t want to do this. I am sitting here telling you no one wants to do this.

The gut punch ache never leaves, even though your brain is doing a pretty thorough job of trying to protect your shattered heart. But when the brain is triggered by God to let the walls drop a little… “It’s okay, she can handle that memory, drop that wall, let her remember.” And BAM it unexpectedly slaps you awake… it is right here in this space that you are beyond aware you, no doubt, have experienced trauma.

A lot of times I find myself wondering if I will ever be the same, and I have come to the conclusion that, no, no I won’t. Will I still have joy, yes. Will I continue to have moments where I laugh until I snort at the silliest of things? Yes. Will I be able to go a week without bawling? Maybe? Will life go on and will new life experiences be fulfilling. For sure. But still…

I found a lot of comfort in this article that I found by Catherine Woodiwiss: A New Normal: Ten Things I’ve Learned About Trauma. Here is an excerpt:

This is the big, scary truth about trauma:
there is no such thing as “getting over it.”
The five stages of grief model marks
universal stages in learning to accept loss,
but the reality is in fact much bigger:
a major life disruption leaves a new normal
in its wake. There is no “back to the old me.”
You are different now, full stop.

This is not a wholly negative thing.
Healing from trauma can also mean
finding new strength and joy.
The goal of healing is not a papering-over
of changes in an effort to preserve or
present things as normal. It is to acknowledge
and wear your new life — warts, wisdom and
all — with courage.

– Catherine Woodiwiss

I am different now. If you have experienced trauma, you are different now. It is okay. Don’t try to hurry your way back to an old state of norm to please the people around you. It won’t happen. Give yourself the gift of grace and patience as you discover your new life, day by day.

Cheers my friend, here is to a new life with warts, wisdom and all.

Be Well-